A letter I am dying to share ever since it was written. I thought of just posting a photograph of the actual letter or scan it so I don’t have to type what’s written in it. But I thought it would be a great experience to re-live each word as I type.
So here it is:
Today is 30th of May and I’m ready to sleep. I’ve always been ready to sleep. Only, my idea of sleep is the longest one and doesn’t require waking up. It’s past three A. M. now. I want to sleep but I couldn’t. It isn’t my insomnia. I’m not depressed too, like I usually am.
This time, I just couldn’t because I am overjoyed. I was surprised of how my day turned out.
I decided to live!!! Isn’t that wonderful?
I woke up at almost noon. When you’re depressed, sleeping is just the best and cheapest remedy. Plus my family won’t suspect I’m sleeping because of depression. They will even be glad to see me resting.
I’ve written plenty of suicide notes. I’ve spent so much time planning about the way I will die. Just yesterday, my heart and mind was resolute-I WANT TO DIE. And maybe you wouldn’t want to read this letter because you’d think, all the time I spent planning my suicide will be wasted.
But junks are wastes to begin with. They are meant to be disposed and that’s what I’m doing now. I am disposing waste.
How to be me: Wake up, Take a shower. Eat. Write something. Sleep. Repeat.
So between waking up and now, something happened. I saw pictures I’ve taken long ago. They are photographs of butterflies. And guess what, the butterflies are all in pairs.
One of the major sign of depression is when you always feel alone. It’s a ‘You-against-the-world’ feeling. So imagine what I felt when I saw the photographs.
I felt selfish. If butterflies have their better halves, surely I have too. So what will happen if I die? What if someone out there is waiting for me? What if, after I die, he’d still be waiting? He wouldn’t have known I am gone.
What’s with the butterflies, you might ask. When I was in middle school, we were asked to make a prose based on this question: If you could be anything other than a person, what would you be?
My answer: I want to be a Butterfly. They are beautiful. Sure they undergo hard stages from a caterpillar to a full-grown flying butterfly. But after those stages, all they have to tastes is everything sweet. And the most amazing thing about them, they don’t have to stay on Earth too long.
Even then, I am already suicidal.
So today, I decided to live because I know someone is waiting for me. My decision touched me somehow. i felt joy sprang inside me. It was faint. It was little but it is present. I am afraid though. Living has always been harder than dying.
Death is undoubtedly quicker than life. But I am decided now. Suicide was always been my first choice whenever something goes wrong. But today, even though nothing really went right, nothing went wrong too. I thought of suicide, not to execute it but to exterminate it. I just removed the suicide option and decided to live.
I know what made me decide to live is really ridiculous, but what matters is I’m alive. And I will live.
The Suicidal Girl