Inner Demon

Inner Demon

DEMON’s LIES:

‘You can’t do it.’ ‘You’re not good enough.’ ‘You don’t have what it takes. ‘You’re not gonna make it.’

Familiar with those lines? Yes?  Most often, we hear these lines from other people but sometimes, WE say them to ourselves. It’s our ‘Inner Demon’ that makes us say those words.

I’m turning 25 this coming June, and somehow, I can feel the pressure again. I am not getting any younger!!! Yet it seems that I’m still too far to where I want to be.

I want to be a famous writer. And obviously, I’m still not.

Peers, family members, friends and fake friends are now wondering if I really can do it.  The thing is, they’ve been wondering the same thing ever since I dropped the bomb to everyone saying I AM FOCUSING ON WRITING NOW. That was two years ago, and I’m still me, MERE ME.

It’s easy to give in to pressure and get depressed about it but I learned one very important lesson some while ago – the key to one’s success isn’t about proving, or showing, to people that you can, but it’s all about overcoming yourself. Because, at the end of the day, what other people say to me wouldn’t matter, it’s what I tell myself that has great importance.

My Inner Demon is my greatest enemy. For how can I win over others when I can’t even win against my own? How can I prove to others what I can do if I don’t prove myself first of what I’m capable of. How can I show them what I can if I don’t even know what I can, right?

The problem is, my inner demon wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s always there. It’s in my heart, igniting the grief caused by my past failures. It’s in my mind, a pesky, little voice that never stop talking negative, causing me to wallow on self-pity and my self-confidence declining.

Demons are always present. Not just the inner ones. And I’m saying this, not just as a devout Christian, but as a dreamer who is still in this huge endeavor that’s been going on since forever and as a human being who clearly isn’t perfect yet a total perfectionist.

Inside me is this demon I unintentionally allow to dwell. I don’t think I can ever lose this inner demon. No matter what I achieve, and however I did things, this inner demon will always tell me I CAN’T DO IT.

How did I know this?

Because, I know I am not a total failure. I wanted to be a famous writer. I may not be famous (YET) but I am a writer. ALREADY A WRITER. I’m getting nearer to where I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve written several novellas and I have a novel that’s already in deliberation for publication. And i am currently working on a Screenplay (I’ll talk about this in another post). My point I already accomplished something which is actually quite a ‘big thing’ for all aspiring writers, yet does my inner demon stopped talking?

No. There is still this voice inside my head telling me the same negative things I’ve been hearing since forever. No kidding. It didn’t go. Sometimes I wanna yell at my reflection in the mirror so it would shut up. Maybe this is just me talking crazy. I AM CRAZY, by the way!!! But I”m sure all of us, dreamers have this voice in our heads telling us all the negative things possible, crushing our spirit.

I can’t say I made this demon inside my head, that I am responsible for its existence, maybe I do, but the point is, it’s already existing and it will take too much for them to disappear.

But I learned this trick. If this demonic voice decided to stay with me, like forever, well fine. If I can’t get rid of it, I’ll just learn to deal with it in the most effective way I know to intimidate an enemy-SMILING!!!
Yep, I’ll smile. because it’s what I’m good at (aside from writing..lol). I’m that kind of person who deserves the MOST CHEERFUL AWARD in school or in office. I rarely get an enemy. I rarely find myself in misunderstandings. But whenever someone try to annoy me, sabotage, or whatever insecure people do to others, I smile. It’s the most effective payback. It annoys them when they see me smiling no matter what they do to crush me.

That’s what I do with my inner demons, whenever I hear the voice telling me I can’t do it, I’m not good enough or I’ll never make it, I just smile. I’m not befriending them. I just say hi to my demons (inner and the others) and do what I should be doing which is writing.

This inner demon might do and say everything it can to pull me down and crush me, well, it’s best is not enough. Because no matter what happens, I might fall and fail sometimes, I’ll still get back up and do what I was born to do. I’ll still write no matter what happens around me, no matter what other people say and no matter what I tell myself.

Did I already mention that there are more familiar terms synonymous to demons?

DOUBT…and inner demon is SELF-DOUBT.

FEAR, Maybe…

Keep going even though you can’t seem to walk anymore. You can crawl. But don’t let Doubt or fear stop you and glue you in the same place you were yesterday. You may hear your inner demon saying all negative stuffs but can’t listen to it. Keep going, you’ll get there soon.

That’s what I’m doing. I know that if I wait for the demons to shut up before I do something, I will never ever reach my destiny. My greatest fear is to wake up one day, realizing that life has already passed me by. Sometimes, the best way to deal with adversaries is to get used to them, then know their weak point. And then, it will be easier to ignore them as days pass.

No one, not even God, promised that life is beautiful and easy. We have to deal with it in it’s cruelty.

Smiling to demons (and annoying them);

LILI MARCUS

How To Fall In Love by Cecelia Ahern: A Review

How to Fall in LoveHow to Fall in Love by Cecelia Ahern
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I’ve been reading Ahern’s works since forever and I love her novels because they’re all heartwarming and easy reads. This one isn’t different from all her works. I enjoyed it as much as I did with the others.

The heroine, CHRISTINE is obviously has some issues. Her obsessions with Self-help books shows that she isn’t happy or contented with her life. And more importantly she needs help. She is looking for something(not gonna tell you what). But when she accidentally witnessed a guy who committed a suicide, she became more aware of her self-her problems and the things that she must do. One of those things is to get out of her marriage.

But her husband just can’t get over their sudden separation and kept on pestering her. Christine’s life took a little turn when she, once again, witnessed another guy,ADAM, trying to kill himself. Not wanting to commit the same mistake she did with the previous suicidal guy, she did everything to convince the guy not to do it.

She succeeded and since that day, Adam and Christine were inseparable. Christine, with the help of her self-help books, teaches Adam to love life again, including getting back his ex. And Adam, he still has his issues. He’s depressed but little by little, his improvement is obvious and I remember being glad the way he boomed in the story.

My only slight problem is that I wish the book is longer and I want a more-definite ending. I want to see Adam really into counselling with a real Psychologist. I want to see both of them being sweet to each other because they’re lovers already. It was a happy ending but I want a longer version of the story.

I read this one as I was having a break from writing and it turned out I picked the right book. I needed an easy, loving, heartwarming story. This one is all of those. Though it talks about suicide, it is still an easy read. Not depressing at all.

Thumbs up for Ahern.:) 🙂 🙂

Check out my Goodreads account https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/58341705-lili-marcus

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Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Yesterday, today and tomorrow are all now.

‘I wish I can go back and change things’

I’m pretty sure we’ve all desired the same thing. Maybe some wished it openly, some kept it to themselves. We all have regrets. We all have a thing or two(maybe more) in our past that we would want to change if given a chance. But the problem is, there will never be a chance to change them. Because no one will ever give us that chance. Not even God. God will and is capable of giving chances but NOT to change the past, but to ensure that the future won’t end up like the past.

We all heard that phrase, ‘Past is past’ and agreed that it is true. But no one really accepted it as easy as nodding. Moving on is one of the hardest things on earth, next to forgiveness, in my opinion. But I want to share this little mantra of mine. I want to call it a mantra, deal with it, friends, please.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow are all NOW!!!

“Another chapter in the book cant go back but you can look
And there we are on every page
Memories I’ll always save
Up ahead on the open doors
Who knows what were heading towards?
I wish you love I wish you luck
For you the world just opens up
But it’s so hard to say goodbye                                                                                                               Yesterday’s gone we gotta keep moving on”

These lines are from I’ll Always Remember You by Miley Cyrus. She sang that as Hanna Montana. And yes, I’m a Hannah Montana girl. We actually share the same age and that’s irrelevant here.

Moving on, the song talks about the past, memories that will be saved in one’s heart. But the singer doesn’t say that she’ll stay with those memories, but will keep moving on, because there are open doors waiting for her.

I realized that memories can stay but WE can stay in the memories. Let me rephrase that: We can choose not to forget our past, the good parts and the bad ones, but we shouldn’t stay living IN those memories.

The song says, can’t go back, but you can look. Going back is actually not possible but looking back is. That’s why I have this belief that my past, my future and my today are all NOW. My present defines my future but it also reflect what my past is.

Since going back is not an option, why not we just look, took a glance on what had been to make sure that what will be will be better than what is. Confused already? I’m saying that we get whatever useful from our past and use it now for the sake of our future.

We’ve been told to focus on NOW and make the most of the time. And that’s right but we should be careful, if we do just that-make the most of the present- we are likely to make the same mistakes we did, intentionally or unintentionally. We should be more careful now, vigilant and wiser.

Once in a while, why don’t we open that door of the past and took a glimpse before we enter into another open door that leads to our future. We should look at what’s inside that door and observe, learn and decide what we should do once we enter another door.

Our Today  should be a combination of our yesterday and our tomorrow. Our past is important because it’s our teacher. We should learn from our experiences. Our future should be a testimony of what we’ve learned from our past and that will depends on whatever we are doing NOW.

Another thing, if we do nothing but focus on now, wouldn’t it be so boring? I say we look into our future, get a glimpse of it as we should do in our past. We can’t get there now, but we can always get excited about it. Get vision of tomorrow and that’s one great motivation. If we’re not excited about tomorrow, about waking up the next morning, then why on earth are we still here for? Right?

I had this teacher in first grade who taught me of spelling because I suck at it. I’m still not good at it. I was about to compete in an English quiz bee and she thought I should be good with spelling too. So spelling was part of my training before the contest. Once, she had me spelled ‘FUTURE’ and I spelled it as ‘FEWCHUR’. I mean, I did know that time how to spell ‘FEW’ and CHUR was kind of easy to spell.

She laughed at me, the kind of laugh that is loving. The kind that mothers give to their little children when they stumble when they’re still learning how to walk. Anyway, instead of teaching me the right spelling, she told me that I can just spell ‘FUTURE’ as N-O-W.

I never understood why she did that until I’m old enough to understand life itself. She wanted me to see that my future is now. And she is right.

Now I have this chance to share something to people and if I’m going to steal my teacher’s style, I’d say, from now on, spell PRESENT as P-A-S-T-F-U-T-U-R-E.

Then, now and forever grateful,

Lili

What I Say When I’m Not Speaking

What I Say When I’m Not Speaking

 

I did it again.

It happens to me once in a while. I won’t speak a word for hours and people can count the words I utter in the entire day. I’m not sure if my family, or friends, notice it but I’ve been battling depression. Maybe they notice I’m acting weird but they will never know why.

I am not speaking anyway. But, aside from I AM NOT OKAY, I want to tell them these:

1. STOP TALKING TO ME

I want to yell. I want to scream. And screaming or yelling isn’t talking so it’s better if I don’t open my mouth at all. When I do, it’s like snapping and they wouldn’t like that. I live in a country where depression is being ignored. I don’t know if it’s intentional but people around me are just judgmental, or maybe that’s just what I see. But if I snap at someone, I know what would they say, I’m a snob and unpleasant.

2. THIS ISN’T MY FAULT

Maybe it is, but that’s not what I feel. Stop blaming me. I want to talk. I want to be chatty like I normally do. But I just can’t. This is not my choice. When I try speaking while not being snappy, I feel like crying. So it’s better if I don’t just talk even if I want to. I can’t control it. People see me as a strong person and look at me as if nothing can break me down but there is.

3. MY BRAIN SUCKS

No one will agree. My friends consider me as their adviser. Maybe because I’m a writer and seriously, writers know what to say every time, in every situation. What they don’t know is that I hate my brain. It’s unfair. I get to say the right words to other people but not to my self. This seems like self-pity but self-pity is easily curable, my state isn’t. It’s as if inside my brain there is an old insecure friend that keeps coming back. Or like an ex-boyfriend who just can’t move on over me. It’s f*cking annoying.

4. STOP TELLING ME I SHOULD UNWIND

I’ve tried that. I grew up in a country and I’ve watched the sunset thousand times, even the sunrise. I’ve watched birds flying under the blue sky and above the blue sea. I’ve breathed the freshest air there was in my place. It’s not that easy. What works for others might not work for me. Unwinding might have just worsen it since hello, depressed people hate life, and when I step out of my room, that’s what I see-Life.

5. THIS ISN’T MIGRAINE

It is curable, they say. Then why am I still like this? I really hope those pills work. Or those blog posts that says ‘ten ways to overcome depression’ works. They don’t. If I would be given a chance I would pluck out that old friend in my brain and kill it. It isn’t easy. It isn’t migraine that I can just sleep it off, or take some capsule.

6. I’M BEING SELFISH, I KNOW

I can’t help it, I’m sorry. When I’m depressed it feels like I just want everyone to understand ME. I hate it that they don’t care. Why wouldn’t they care? Can’t they see? The thing is I know it’s not their fault either. I’m just being cynic. And now I feel like I am not the friend or family they deserve. It’s better to die.

7. I’M TIRED(EXHAUSTED EVEN)

Let me rest. Seriously, it’s not just my brain, my heart is tired, my body is exhausted. I am drained. I don’t know what to do. It feels like all my enthusiasm and motivation are all gone. Know why depression leads to self-mutilation? Because we want to feel anything physically. Because we are so tired inside. Or sometimes, we’re too tired we became numb and we want to feel SOMETHING. I don’t know how to explain this but all I want to do is resting. LET ME REST PLEASE. I AM BEGGING.

8. I WANT TO KILL SOMEONE AND THAT SOMEONE IS ME

I’ve been battling depression since I was young. And it’s a miracle I am still alive. I always feel like my life isn’t worth it. My life is not important. I don’t have a value so what’s the point. I want to stop feeling all these. I want to die. The first time I cut myself was when I was twelve. Luckily, the blade I got was a little rusty and blunt so I didn’t succeed cutting any deadly vein. The scars on my wrists almost faded now, but the reason why I did it, is still very much alive. I want to die.

Please, if you have someone you love who’s battling with depression, make them feel loved and accepted. THEY, WE, NEED IT MORE THAN OTHERS. Give them more attention, a little unfair but it’s not their fault. Depression isn’t something that we can leave at home or keep at our closet. It’s with us, whether we like it or not. It’s like a leech that crept on our skin sometime long ago and never left us. Just sucking every bit of us and it feels like it won’t leave until it sucks nothing anymore. Until we’re dead.

Hope I’m wrong in that last part…

I don’t have a phone number or anything anyone can call when they need someone to talk to. I just stop asking for help a long time ago.

But if you want, you guys can reach out to me. I’m still battling with depression but there are times I’m fine. And like I said, I always know the right words to say to other people but not to myself. So I can give advise. And I think the only people who can understand someone with depression are the ones experiencing it too. Let’s help each other.

SPEAKING:

LILI

The Paper and the Pen

The Paper and the Pen

Sometimes, it’s the pen’s fault, but there are times, it is the paper’s.

When I was younger, my mother and I always fight over her big mouth. Seriously, she’s too loud, always talking and reprimanding. It’s as if she always sees something wrong to whatever I do. Especially at mornings, my alarm clock was her lectures. Oh how I hated her for that.(don’t judge me)

I didn’t realize then, that it’s not always the pen’s fault.

When we’re mad or hurt, we always think it’s somebody else’s fault. It’s them who has a problem, it was never us. At least that’s what we often think.

I was writing one afternoon. It was an open letter to God. I was using this newly-bought pen that is really expensive for a student. And as I write, the pen kept on pissing me. The ink kept on fading. And every time it does, I would wave the pen a little, and it’ll write again. But it kept doing that. And I knew I must do something if I want to finish the letter.

I thought of using another pen but before I did, I tried using it to a scratch paper. Just to be sure. And the pen writes so well, as well as it should. Looking at my handwriting, something snapped  at me. The paper I was using was a little glossy. Since it was a letter to God, I thought using that paper was just appropriate.

The thing is, that kind of paper wasn’t appropriate to the pen I was using. And I was right. When I changed the paper into a stationery, the pen’s performances changed as well. The ink wasn’t fading anymore.

I realized this, it’s not always the pen’s fault, sometimes, it’s the paper’s.

There are too many kinds of papers. There are plenty types of pens too. But not every pen inks well to all kinds of papers. (Glossy papers are usually the hardest to write on.

I think, we, people, should learn this lesson: sometimes, it’s OUR fault. Granted, some people really hurt us, wronged us. But before we point our fingers to anyone, before we said something to others, let’s THINK first. Try to think of what might be the reason why that somebody did it to us.

Reflect!

When I think of the fights I had with my mother when I was younger, I wince. Maybe it was her fault being talkative because hello? She can always choose to reprimand me in a nicer way. But it was my fault that she talks too much in the first place. If I just do the chores properly, or if I just wake up in the morning instead of in the afternoon, maybe my mother wouldn’t have been as talkative as she was.

It wasn’t her fault, it was mine. But that time, I was so annoyed and too mad because of her reprimands, I couldn’t see my own fault. I was focusing on hers.

We often heard that famous break up line: It’s not you, it’s me.

I wonder what will happen if we use that line most often rather than just using it when breaking up. What if every time we’re in disagreement with somebody, we tell that line to ourselves first?

What if, indeed, it was our fault, and not theirs? I wonder how many relationship are restored. I wonder how many friends will still be friends? How many lovers would still be lovers? How many family will still be intact?

I’m not saying we should blame ourselves, I’m saying that we stop blaming others for everything. By reflecting on what happens, we get to know ourselves more. And by that, we’ll be more motivated to change ourselves for the better, not only for our sake, but for the sake of our relationships.

This is true to my relationship with God too. Most of the times, it seems like God doesn’t hear my prayers because most of my prayers were unanswered. It pains me to think that he hears all my supplications and yet do nothing. The thing is, I do believe that God is almighty so He is capable of everything. There’s no prayer that he can’t grant.

So why he doesn’t answer all my prayers? I used to get mad to him because of that. But now I use this principle. Maybe I’m doing something that isn’t according to his will. And whenever I reflect on my actions and intentions, especially intentions, I learn that it is indeed my fault. Believe me, I am a changed and better person now because of this?

Why?

Because I learned about myself more. And the best way to reach one’s highest potential is knowing oneself well.

Next time, know first if it’s the pen’s fault, maybe it’s the paper’s.

Reflecting,

Lili.

First Dance

First Dance

They might say you have two left feet, but dance anyway.

To live is to move. If I say, I am blessed I was born with a body that can move, some would probably find me bragging. What most of us don’t realise is that we are all blessed with bodies that can move. I’ll be saying a fact if I say, each one of us has danced at least once in our lives. I know, most of us, can’t do ballet or waltz. We can’t even do slow dance perfectly. For most of us have two left feet and would be too awkward for dancing.

Or so we believed. The truth is, two left feet isn’t an idiom, it’s a myth that I chose to believe as a lie. There is no such thing as two left feet. It doesn’t exist. You may not agree with me but here’s my point: If there are people who own two left feet, where are those who own two right feet?

I am probably not making any sense but I define dancing as just moving. And not just moving but moving and enjoying the moves. Over the years, people have already set countless rules and guidelines for dancing and for every kind of dance. It seems like they are masters of it that we just go follow them. We conform to certain rules that they’ve set.

Sound familiar? Yes because dancing is so much like LIFE. We’ve heard many metaphors about dancing and life, but I think we don’t really understand them. Or we just choose to see those metaphors in just one facet. How about we turn them a little bit so we can see another of its facets.

Life, like dancing, is full of rules. Rules that were set by people around us. Guidelines that if aren’t followed, criticisms will follow. But we all know that rules suck. Rules and guidelines make people good but not great. In fact, with rules, I don’t think we can reach our highest and enormous potentials. Rules just hold us back and keep us for doing great things that we were born to do.

Dancers should dance because they love to do so. And yes, it seems like they’re following rules and guidelines but actually most famous and great dancers were known for their own techniques. They don’t just dance as they were told. They dance based on their own rhythm. Shouldn’t we be like them?

If we want to be great and reach our highest potentials, let’s live our lives not conforming to other people’s rules. In life, we shouldn’t just move, let’s enjoy every move. And we can’t do that if we are so mindful of rules. Rules are conventional and they’re boring and personally, boring doesn’t suit me.

Let’s learn not to conform with conventional stuffs, how about we start knowing ourselves better and find out what can make us happy. And let’s do them. Just do it-says Nike. (LOL)

Forget the rules. Forget the guidelines. Forget criticisms. Don’t mind what people might say as long as you don’t hurt them in any way, do what makes you happy.

 

My first dance (aside from those dances with my family) was with a good friend who will eventually become my first boyfriend. (He’s actually the only boyfriend I had, though it’s been six years since we broke up, I still haven’t get myself into another relationship.) That dance should be one of the happiest dance of my life, right? But it wasn’t. I just remember it happened, but I forgot how I felt during the dance. It wasn’t memorable.

It was bland because it was forced. No special thing happened because we were too worried what our classmates would say. They say, dance like no one is watching. I say, dance as if the whole world is watching. Show them the best performance they’ll ever see in their lives.

But don’t forget to enjoy every moves you make, that’s what makes it memorable. And that-that is living. Maybe living has many definitions now, but you can always make your own definition. Be creative and innovative. Break some rules. And do step out of your box.

Shakespeare said that the world’s a stage, and now the curtains have opened. What will you do next?

I am already dancing, so join me.

Oh, one more thing, dancing is always better if done with someone. I just said forget what people might say, I didn’t say forget the people entirely.

 

Dancing,

Lili

 

 

Spilled Coffee

Spilled Coffee

liliswordyplanet

What do we do when we spilled our coffee?

I know, it should be spilled milk. But I don’t drink milk so I’m just gonna go with coffee since it has been my companion since I was a little kid. And I am too familiar with coffee stain and it has, somehow, got to do with what I’m going to share.

Spilled coffee and stains. (Haven’t heard of milk stain anyway.)

We all make mistakes, don’t we? We’ve been done wrong by others, haven’t we? But whether it’s our fault or not isn’t the issue I’m going to stress here. Intentional or not, who cares? Instead, let me ask you what you do when you make mistakes?

I often hear that we can identify one’s maturity through his/her decisions. I’m sorry but I disagree. Our maturity shows not on the decisions we make but on how we deal with the…

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