On Losing Count

For the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity.

Proverbs 24:16

Last night, I couldn’t sleep and stayed awake till dawn, (thank you insomnia, my old friend) and no matter what I do, sleep is just hard to grasp. I prayed, read the bible, meditate, listen to preachings online, I even tried to read a book. Sleep didn’t come. And so I stayed awake, eyes on the dark, seeing nothing but few sliver of lights seeping through the curtain from the street lights outside. I had a lot of thinking.

I consider myself a deep person who thinks very deeply. 🙂 🙂  (again, let me thank my old friend, insomnia for this) Last night instead of counting sheep, I ended up counting sins. Maybe sin is far too serious term so let’s focus with mistakes.

I am not surprised to realize that I couldn’t. I lost count of my mistakes. Mistakes that are the reasons of all the wrongs in my life, right now. I can’t say I have a bad life, but it certainly isn’t a good one either. And for me, it’s worse. A bland life is a life isn’t aligned in a purpose. And isn’t that terrifying waste…

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,..

Philippians 3:13

Past is past, and maybe Paul said the above lines in his letter to Philippians to push the believers to keep going no matter how many mistakes they’ve made or how hard it was for them. But his sentence didn’t end on pushing them to forget the past and push forward, he kept going saying…

I press toward the mark for the prize of the calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:14

mark for the prize… this made me think. No one wins a prize as a fool. Wisdom is necessary and so I’m sorry Paul, I might forget some thing but not all. For I need my mistakes to gain wisdom…

Now these things happened to them as an example, but they were written down for our instruction, on whom the end of the ages has come.

1 Corinthians 10:11

Some mistakes I’ve made were intentionally, I admit. But most are unintentional because I know nothing and i seem to never learn from my mistakes. And so last night as I close my eyes, my brain is wide awake, I tried looking back. I lost count of how many times I failed. Maybe i wasn’t really counting but one thing I’m sure, they were too many to count. But I did a recount anyway.

When you lose count of anything, may it be good or not, try a recount…

—-Lili Marcus

You know how it helps? It’s a good motivator. I see how many mistakes I already committed and so I’d be ashamed to make another one. Enough is enough. I’ve done so many mistakes already, I’m gonna try making good things from now on.

Another thing is that upon RECOUNTING, I am revisiting. And I am learning. It’s like reviewing a lesson given to me by the greatest teacher there is. Maybe proverbs 24:16 said the righteous falls seven times, and rises again. I don’t think the author of it doesn’t really mean, falling and failing is limited to seven, what matters is rising after falling.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.

Proverbs 11:2

I believe that there is humbleness in acknowledging that you’ve made mistakes, and as stated above, with the humble is wisdom and like I said earlier, in pressing toward the mark for the prize, wisdom is needed.

🙂 🙂 🙂 There you have it guys.

LET’S THE RECOUNT BEGIN.

God Bless You All…

____Lili Marcus 🙂

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It’s the Paper’s Fault

Sometimes, it’s the pen’s fault, but there are times, it is the paper’s.

When I was younger, my mother and I always fight over her big mouth. Seriously, she’s too loud, always talking and reprimanding. It’s as if she always sees something wrong to whatever I do. Especially at mornings, my alarm clock was her lectures. Oh how I hated her for that.(don’t judge me)

I didn’t realize then, that it’s not always the pen’s fault.

When we’re mad or hurt, we always think it’s somebody else’s fault. It’s them who has a problem, it was never us. At least that’s what we often think.

I was writing one afternoon. It was an open letter to God. I was using this newly-bought pen that is really expensive for a student. And as I write, the pen kept on pissing me. The ink kept on fading. And every time it does, I would wave the pen a little, and it’ll write again. But it kept doing that. And I knew I must do something if I want to finish the letter.

I thought of using another pen but before I did, I tried using it to a scratch paper. Just to be sure. And the pen writes so well, as well as it should. Looking at my handwriting, something snapped  at me. The paper I was using was a little glossy. Since it was a letter to God, I thought using that paper was just appropriate.

The thing is, that kind of paper wasn’t appropriate to the pen I was using. And I was right. When I changed the paper into a stationery, the pen’s performances changed as well. The ink wasn’t fading anymore.

I realized this; it’s not always the pen’s fault, sometimes, it’s the paper’s.

There are too many kinds of papers. There are plenty types of pens too. But not every pen inks well to all kinds of papers. (Glossy papers are usually the hardest to write on.)

I think, we, people, should learn this lesson: sometimes, it’s OUR fault. Granted, some people really hurt us, wronged us. But before we point our fingers to anyone, before we said something to others, let’s THINK first. Try to think of what might be the reason why that somebody did it to us.

Reflect!

When I think of the fights I had with my mother when I was younger, I wince. Maybe it was her fault being talkative because hello? She can always choose to reprimand me in a nicer way. But it was my fault that she talks too much in the first place. If I just do the chores properly, or if I just wake up in the morning before breakfast instead of before lunch, maybe my mother wouldn’t have been as talkative as she was.

It wasn’t her fault, it was mine. But that time, I was so annoyed and too mad because of her reprimands, I couldn’t see my own faults. I was focusing on hers.

We often heard that famous break up line: It’s not you, it’s me.

I wonder what will happen if we use that line most often rather than just using it when breaking up. What if every time we’re in disagreement with somebody, we tell that line to ourselves first?

What if, indeed, it was our fault, and not theirs? I wonder how many relationship are restored. I wonder how many friends will still be friends? How many lovers would still be lovers? How many families would’ve been still intact?

I’m not saying we should blame ourselves, I’m saying that we stop blaming others for everything. By reflecting on what happens, we get to know ourselves more. And by that, we’ll be more motivated to change ourselves for the better, not only for our sake, but for the sake of our relationships.

This is true to my relationship with God too. Most of the times, it seems like God doesn’t hear my prayers because most of my prayers were unanswered. It pains me to think that he hears all my supplications and yet do nothing. The thing is, I do believe that God is almighty so He is capable of everything. There’s no prayer that he can’t grant.

So why he doesn’t answer all my prayers? I used to get mad at him because of that. But now, I use this principle. Maybe I’m doing something that isn’t according to his will. And whenever I reflect on my actions and intentions, especially intentions, I learn that it is indeed my fault. Believe me, I am a changed and better person now because of this?

Why?

Because I learned about myself more. And the best way to reach one’s highest potential is knowing oneself well.

Next time, think twice(or more) before putting the blame on the pen, maybe it’s the paper’s.

 

Reflecting,

Lili Marcus  🙂