On Losing Count

For the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity.

Proverbs 24:16

Last night, I couldn’t sleep and stayed awake till dawn, (thank you insomnia, my old friend) and no matter what I do, sleep is just hard to grasp. I prayed, read the bible, meditate, listen to preachings online, I even tried to read a book. Sleep didn’t come. And so I stayed awake, eyes on the dark, seeing nothing but few sliver of lights seeping through the curtain from the street lights outside. I had a lot of thinking.

I consider myself a deep person who thinks very deeply. 🙂 🙂  (again, let me thank my old friend, insomnia for this) Last night instead of counting sheep, I ended up counting sins. Maybe sin is far too serious term so let’s focus with mistakes.

I am not surprised to realize that I couldn’t. I lost count of my mistakes. Mistakes that are the reasons of all the wrongs in my life, right now. I can’t say I have a bad life, but it certainly isn’t a good one either. And for me, it’s worse. A bland life is a life isn’t aligned in a purpose. And isn’t that terrifying waste…

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,..

Philippians 3:13

Past is past, and maybe Paul said the above lines in his letter to Philippians to push the believers to keep going no matter how many mistakes they’ve made or how hard it was for them. But his sentence didn’t end on pushing them to forget the past and push forward, he kept going saying…

I press toward the mark for the prize of the calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:14

mark for the prize… this made me think. No one wins a prize as a fool. Wisdom is necessary and so I’m sorry Paul, I might forget some thing but not all. For I need my mistakes to gain wisdom…

Now these things happened to them as an example, but they were written down for our instruction, on whom the end of the ages has come.

1 Corinthians 10:11

Some mistakes I’ve made were intentionally, I admit. But most are unintentional because I know nothing and i seem to never learn from my mistakes. And so last night as I close my eyes, my brain is wide awake, I tried looking back. I lost count of how many times I failed. Maybe i wasn’t really counting but one thing I’m sure, they were too many to count. But I did a recount anyway.

When you lose count of anything, may it be good or not, try a recount…

—-Lili Marcus

You know how it helps? It’s a good motivator. I see how many mistakes I already committed and so I’d be ashamed to make another one. Enough is enough. I’ve done so many mistakes already, I’m gonna try making good things from now on.

Another thing is that upon RECOUNTING, I am revisiting. And I am learning. It’s like reviewing a lesson given to me by the greatest teacher there is. Maybe proverbs 24:16 said the righteous falls seven times, and rises again. I don’t think the author of it doesn’t really mean, falling and failing is limited to seven, what matters is rising after falling.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.

Proverbs 11:2

I believe that there is humbleness in acknowledging that you’ve made mistakes, and as stated above, with the humble is wisdom and like I said earlier, in pressing toward the mark for the prize, wisdom is needed.

🙂 🙂 🙂 There you have it guys.

LET’S THE RECOUNT BEGIN.

God Bless You All…

____Lili Marcus 🙂

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It’s the Paper’s Fault

Sometimes, it’s the pen’s fault, but there are times, it is the paper’s.

When I was younger, my mother and I always fight over her big mouth. Seriously, she’s too loud, always talking and reprimanding. It’s as if she always sees something wrong to whatever I do. Especially at mornings, my alarm clock was her lectures. Oh how I hated her for that.(don’t judge me)

I didn’t realize then, that it’s not always the pen’s fault.

When we’re mad or hurt, we always think it’s somebody else’s fault. It’s them who has a problem, it was never us. At least that’s what we often think.

I was writing one afternoon. It was an open letter to God. I was using this newly-bought pen that is really expensive for a student. And as I write, the pen kept on pissing me. The ink kept on fading. And every time it does, I would wave the pen a little, and it’ll write again. But it kept doing that. And I knew I must do something if I want to finish the letter.

I thought of using another pen but before I did, I tried using it to a scratch paper. Just to be sure. And the pen writes so well, as well as it should. Looking at my handwriting, something snapped  at me. The paper I was using was a little glossy. Since it was a letter to God, I thought using that paper was just appropriate.

The thing is, that kind of paper wasn’t appropriate to the pen I was using. And I was right. When I changed the paper into a stationery, the pen’s performances changed as well. The ink wasn’t fading anymore.

I realized this; it’s not always the pen’s fault, sometimes, it’s the paper’s.

There are too many kinds of papers. There are plenty types of pens too. But not every pen inks well to all kinds of papers. (Glossy papers are usually the hardest to write on.)

I think, we, people, should learn this lesson: sometimes, it’s OUR fault. Granted, some people really hurt us, wronged us. But before we point our fingers to anyone, before we said something to others, let’s THINK first. Try to think of what might be the reason why that somebody did it to us.

Reflect!

When I think of the fights I had with my mother when I was younger, I wince. Maybe it was her fault being talkative because hello? She can always choose to reprimand me in a nicer way. But it was my fault that she talks too much in the first place. If I just do the chores properly, or if I just wake up in the morning before breakfast instead of before lunch, maybe my mother wouldn’t have been as talkative as she was.

It wasn’t her fault, it was mine. But that time, I was so annoyed and too mad because of her reprimands, I couldn’t see my own faults. I was focusing on hers.

We often heard that famous break up line: It’s not you, it’s me.

I wonder what will happen if we use that line most often rather than just using it when breaking up. What if every time we’re in disagreement with somebody, we tell that line to ourselves first?

What if, indeed, it was our fault, and not theirs? I wonder how many relationship are restored. I wonder how many friends will still be friends? How many lovers would still be lovers? How many families would’ve been still intact?

I’m not saying we should blame ourselves, I’m saying that we stop blaming others for everything. By reflecting on what happens, we get to know ourselves more. And by that, we’ll be more motivated to change ourselves for the better, not only for our sake, but for the sake of our relationships.

This is true to my relationship with God too. Most of the times, it seems like God doesn’t hear my prayers because most of my prayers were unanswered. It pains me to think that he hears all my supplications and yet do nothing. The thing is, I do believe that God is almighty so He is capable of everything. There’s no prayer that he can’t grant.

So why he doesn’t answer all my prayers? I used to get mad at him because of that. But now, I use this principle. Maybe I’m doing something that isn’t according to his will. And whenever I reflect on my actions and intentions, especially intentions, I learn that it is indeed my fault. Believe me, I am a changed and better person now because of this?

Why?

Because I learned about myself more. And the best way to reach one’s highest potential is knowing oneself well.

Next time, think twice(or more) before putting the blame on the pen, maybe it’s the paper’s.

 

Reflecting,

Lili Marcus  🙂

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Yesterday, today and tomorrow are all now.

‘I wish I can go back and change things’

I’m pretty sure we’ve all desired the same thing. Maybe some wished it openly, some kept it to themselves. We all have regrets. We all have a thing or two(maybe more) in our past that we would want to change if given a chance. But the problem is, there will never be a chance to change them. Because no one will ever give us that chance. Not even God. God will and is capable of giving chances but NOT to change the past, but to ensure that the future won’t end up like the past.

We all heard that phrase, ‘Past is past’ and agreed that it is true. But no one really accepted it as easy as nodding. Moving on is one of the hardest things on earth, next to forgiveness, in my opinion. But I want to share this little mantra of mine. I want to call it a mantra, deal with it, friends, please.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow are all NOW!!!

“Another chapter in the book cant go back but you can look
And there we are on every page
Memories I’ll always save
Up ahead on the open doors
Who knows what were heading towards?
I wish you love I wish you luck
For you the world just opens up
But it’s so hard to say goodbye                                                                                                               Yesterday’s gone we gotta keep moving on”

These lines are from I’ll Always Remember You by Miley Cyrus. She sang that as Hanna Montana. And yes, I’m a Hannah Montana girl. We actually share the same age and that’s irrelevant here.

Moving on, the song talks about the past, memories that will be saved in one’s heart. But the singer doesn’t say that she’ll stay with those memories, but will keep moving on, because there are open doors waiting for her.

I realized that memories can stay but WE can stay in the memories. Let me rephrase that: We can choose not to forget our past, the good parts and the bad ones, but we shouldn’t stay living IN those memories.

The song says, can’t go back, but you can look. Going back is actually not possible but looking back is. That’s why I have this belief that my past, my future and my today are all NOW. My present defines my future but it also reflect what my past is.

Since going back is not an option, why not we just look, took a glance on what had been to make sure that what will be will be better than what is. Confused already? I’m saying that we get whatever useful from our past and use it now for the sake of our future.

We’ve been told to focus on NOW and make the most of the time. And that’s right but we should be careful, if we do just that-make the most of the present- we are likely to make the same mistakes we did, intentionally or unintentionally. We should be more careful now, vigilant and wiser.

Once in a while, why don’t we open that door of the past and took a glimpse before we enter into another open door that leads to our future. We should look at what’s inside that door and observe, learn and decide what we should do once we enter another door.

Our Today  should be a combination of our yesterday and our tomorrow. Our past is important because it’s our teacher. We should learn from our experiences. Our future should be a testimony of what we’ve learned from our past and that will depends on whatever we are doing NOW.

Another thing, if we do nothing but focus on now, wouldn’t it be so boring? I say we look into our future, get a glimpse of it as we should do in our past. We can’t get there now, but we can always get excited about it. Get vision of tomorrow and that’s one great motivation. If we’re not excited about tomorrow, about waking up the next morning, then why on earth are we still here for? Right?

I had this teacher in first grade who taught me of spelling because I suck at it. I’m still not good at it. I was about to compete in an English quiz bee and she thought I should be good with spelling too. So spelling was part of my training before the contest. Once, she had me spelled ‘FUTURE’ and I spelled it as ‘FEWCHUR’. I mean, I did know that time how to spell ‘FEW’ and CHUR was kind of easy to spell.

She laughed at me, the kind of laugh that is loving. The kind that mothers give to their little children when they stumble when they’re still learning how to walk. Anyway, instead of teaching me the right spelling, she told me that I can just spell ‘FUTURE’ as N-O-W.

I never understood why she did that until I’m old enough to understand life itself. She wanted me to see that my future is now. And she is right.

Now I have this chance to share something to people and if I’m going to steal my teacher’s style, I’d say, from now on, spell PRESENT as P-A-S-T-F-U-T-U-R-E.

Then, now and forever grateful,

Lili

What I Say When I’m Not Speaking

 

I did it again.

It happens to me once in a while. I won’t speak a word for hours and people can count the words I utter in the entire day. I’m not sure if my family, or friends, notice it but I’ve been battling depression. Maybe they notice I’m acting weird but they will never know why.

I am not speaking anyway. But, aside from I AM NOT OKAY, I want to tell them these:

1. STOP TALKING TO ME

I want to yell. I want to scream. And screaming or yelling isn’t talking so it’s better if I don’t open my mouth at all. When I do, it’s like snapping and they wouldn’t like that. I live in a country where depression is being ignored. I don’t know if it’s intentional but people around me are just judgmental, or maybe that’s just what I see. But if I snap at someone, I know what would they say, I’m a snob and unpleasant.

2. THIS ISN’T MY FAULT

Maybe it is, but that’s not what I feel. Stop blaming me. I want to talk. I want to be chatty like I normally do. But I just can’t. This is not my choice. When I try speaking while not being snappy, I feel like crying. So it’s better if I don’t just talk even if I want to. I can’t control it. People see me as a strong person and look at me as if nothing can break me down but there is.

3. MY BRAIN SUCKS

No one will agree. My friends consider me as their adviser. Maybe because I’m a writer and seriously, writers know what to say every time, in every situation. What they don’t know is that I hate my brain. It’s unfair. I get to say the right words to other people but not to my self. This seems like self-pity but self-pity is easily curable, my state isn’t. It’s as if inside my brain there is an old insecure friend that keeps coming back. Or like an ex-boyfriend who just can’t move on over me. It’s f*cking annoying.

4. STOP TELLING ME I SHOULD UNWIND

I’ve tried that. I grew up in a country and I’ve watched the sunset thousand times, even the sunrise. I’ve watched birds flying under the blue sky and above the blue sea. I’ve breathed the freshest air there was in my place. It’s not that easy. What works for others might not work for me. Unwinding might have just worsen it since hello, depressed people hate life, and when I step out of my room, that’s what I see-Life.

5. THIS ISN’T MIGRAINE

It is curable, they say. Then why am I still like this? I really hope those pills work. Or those blog posts that says ‘ten ways to overcome depression’ works. They don’t. If I would be given a chance I would pluck out that old friend in my brain and kill it. It isn’t easy. It isn’t migraine that I can just sleep it off, or take some capsule.

6. I’M BEING SELFISH, I KNOW

I can’t help it, I’m sorry. When I’m depressed it feels like I just want everyone to understand ME. I hate it that they don’t care. Why wouldn’t they care? Can’t they see? The thing is I know it’s not their fault either. I’m just being cynic. And now I feel like I am not the friend or family they deserve. It’s better to die.

7. I’M TIRED(EXHAUSTED EVEN)

Let me rest. Seriously, it’s not just my brain, my heart is tired, my body is exhausted. I am drained. I don’t know what to do. It feels like all my enthusiasm and motivation are all gone. Know why depression leads to self-mutilation? Because we want to feel anything physically. Because we are so tired inside. Or sometimes, we’re too tired we became numb and we want to feel SOMETHING. I don’t know how to explain this but all I want to do is resting. LET ME REST PLEASE. I AM BEGGING.

8. I WANT TO KILL SOMEONE AND THAT SOMEONE IS ME

I’ve been battling depression since I was young. And it’s a miracle I am still alive. I always feel like my life isn’t worth it. My life is not important. I don’t have a value so what’s the point. I want to stop feeling all these. I want to die. The first time I cut myself was when I was twelve. Luckily, the blade I got was a little rusty and blunt so I didn’t succeed cutting any deadly vein. The scars on my wrists almost faded now, but the reason why I did it, is still very much alive. I want to die.

Please, if you have someone you love who’s battling with depression, make them feel loved and accepted. THEY, WE, NEED IT MORE THAN OTHERS. Give them more attention, a little unfair but it’s not their fault. Depression isn’t something that we can leave at home or keep at our closet. It’s with us, whether we like it or not. It’s like a leech that crept on our skin sometime long ago and never left us. Just sucking every bit of us and it feels like it won’t leave until it sucks nothing anymore. Until we’re dead.

Hope I’m wrong in that last part…

I don’t have a phone number or anything anyone can call when they need someone to talk to. I just stop asking for help a long time ago.

But if you want, you guys can reach out to me. I’m still battling with depression but there are times I’m fine. And like I said, I always know the right words to say to other people but not to myself. So I can give advise. And I think the only people who can understand someone with depression are the ones experiencing it too. Let’s help each other.

SPEAKING:

LILI