Faith smaller than a mustard seed: An Open Letter to God.

My Lord,

Hi.

Actually, I don’t know what to say, or perhaps I’m not sure HOW to say it. Remember when I told you I want out? I was serious that time. I still want to be out, you know. It’s because I’m tired of feeling hurt and ignored. I’m tired of disappointments. Not just in your part, mine as well. I am hurt every time I feel like you disappoint me, though I know, in my heart, you’d answer me, I just have to wait. But see, I’m too weak to wait. And for that I am disappointing you, in return. Every time, I disappoint you, I end up blaming myself to the point of condemnation.

And every Christian knows only worse things come out from condemnation.

I wish I can tell you I’ll be stronger this time, that I’ll be more trusting to you this time. I’m afraid I can’t. I need help. I’ve been in sought of that HELP from you ever since I learned how serious and hopeless my case is. I’m drowning, Lord. I’m also falling. I can’t breathe.

Here’s the thing though, even though I voluntarily turned my back on you, I never felt like you left. No, that’s too much faith. What I mean is that you’re being too easy on me. You don’t give me so much struggle just to force me to get back to you; to accept you again. No, I am in perfect faith you won’t go that far.

Is this faith enough?

I thank you for I think you’re giving me time for myself. You want me to be calm, to relax for a while and get rid of this anxiety that’s been gnawing at me for a long time now. You want me to get some rest, abandon my worries for a while. You want me to clear my mind and be not pressured or stressed of my adversaries and afflictions. You want me to find myself again.

But my Lord, I don’t think I’m having success in the matter. Did I find myself already? Do I know myself more now? Do I understand what’s and have been happening to me all these time?

I don’t have the answer Lord, I’m afraid.

Maybe, somehow, there’s a little faith still left in me for you, but I’m not sure if it’s enough. It must have been even smaller as a mustard seed. And so it must be the littlest faith any Christian can ever have. My faith, it’s too little and meager. Would you want it?

I know you have other children who have faith bigger than the Milky way, so maybe mine would be so insignificant. It may seem not needed and no place in your kingdom. Would you give me at least a place on your doorway, or maybe the windowsill. Any place would do, I just want to be in your presence again.

I want to be with you. But then, would you  have me, Lord?

I can’t promise to be different from what I was before. But then again, I’m not entitled to make any promises, only to rely on yours. It’s your job Lord, to make promises and see them to pass. Would you still have me even if I act like this? With little faith and too much complaints, would you have me?

This depression, this anxiety, I want to get rid of them, yet it’s not that easy. How can I rid of something I’ve been carrying ever since I realized that the world isn’t the best place for weak ones like me to live? It’s been my companion most of my life Lord, and maybe I should be tired of it to get rid of it. But it doesn’t go.

I’m tired of it, alright. I hope my relationship with you, our closeness, did the trick. It didn’t. I still wake up every morning and sleep at night helplessly thinking something will go wrong eventually. Tis what anxiety does to me. And I want it to stop. But how?

This little of faith of mine, if you would have me back my Lord, ’tis only I can offer. The littlest faith you’ll ever know and yet I am not ashamed of it. I somehow believe this. This will take me far enough to be happy. I’ll go as far as from here to THERE. Even the smallest dust can travel far, given the right guide from the wind.

I need the right guide. Would you provide it for me?

This, I realize, is hubris-an overbearing arrogance. How can I ask you of this after everything I’ve done, after I turned my back on you in the most deliberate manner, every devout Christian could ever imagine? Frankly, I feel like I’ve done worse than all the mistakes and sins of all your beloved disciples combined.

There, talk about anxiety to the highest level. 😦

Lastly, My Lord, if you would have me, I have one question. Is it possible for embers to catch fire once again? After the initial fire has died? ‘Cause you see, My Lord, that’s all I am now-an ember. And I’m so scared no fire would ever rekindle in me again and I’d end up to ashes.

Just as my faith a dust-size, myself as ashes. Dust and ashes, if they have something in common it is DEATH.

And that’s what I’m afraid the most. Thus, I’m turning back to you. You are life-so I’ve heard.

 

—-LILI

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Slow Down

Life is a race, I was told. So naturally, I have to run. Not just to win but at least, to stay in the race. And I’m still in the race. The thing is, I wish that the one who told me life is a race, could’ve been more specific. Because if life indeed is a race, then it’s one hell of a race.

And slowing down seems to be a bad idea.

The thing is, running is exhausting. Running always left me out of breath, heart beating so frantically fast, knees and almost every part of my body is aching, and of course sweating. In short, instead of celebrating because I reached the finish line, I am busy keeping my heartbeat back to normal again. I am busy massaging my legs so they wouldn’t bruise. I am busy wiping my sweaty body. I am sore.

Life, when we ‘re done with it, shouldn’t we be dancing with joy?  Or singing at the top of our lungs? Or maybe screaming like crazy? We just won this long race called life, we should be enjoying.

Sure, runners who won running competitions were overjoyed. But with life, we’re not talking of 5K marathon, or even 10K. Not even longer than that. Life is much longer and more complicated than any other races. Running will help us winning this race but running isn’t everything that there is that we should do. And we shouldn’t be just thinking about the finish line.

Here’s what I think. In life, if we want to win with joy, we should think about the starting line as much as we think about the finish line. And I don’t know about you, but when I think of starting line, I think about my home.

Home is the best place on earth, don’t you agree? But it is also one of the places we most often disregard.

Why? Because we focus in getting to finish line.

What we don’t realize is home is where real happiness resides. It’s where everything starts anyway. It’s where we start dreaming. Most often, it is also the reason why we dream in the first place.

I must share that I’m totally in love with Ed Sheeran’s new single Castle Hill. In which he talks about his hometown and his good old days there. He can’t wait to go home and even wants to go back to the times, for him, were special.

So here’s what I thought: we can never go back time but we can always look back. Visit. Let’s pay a visit to our starting lines, once in a while. We don’t have to start all over again, we just have to remind ourselves why and how we started. Just as sometimes, reminiscing is enough to remind us what truly matter in life. But we can’t do that if we’re running and exhausted.

I suggest, we occasionally slow down and check if we are still who we were and have what we had at the starting lines. Once we do that, our finish lines would be more of a celebration rather than time for restoration and cleaning up our messy selves.

We would celebrate winning if we know what we are fighting for. Right?

Like a traveller who’s too excited to get to his destination, he forgets his house keys. So how is he gonna get in when he comes home? We’re like that too, we’re too excited to succeed in life, we often forget the keys to happiness. Love? Family? God?

Like a turtle that carries his home with him wherever he goes, let’s carry our most treasured belongings too-our loved-ones. Because life isn’t all that enjoyable if it’s just for ourselves.

Thank you for reading. Slow down a bit and think about why you’re even in this race called life.

Slowing down a bit,

LILI

Interesting Reads of 2016

I’ve read 153 books last year and my list can be found in Goodreads. I’ve always enjoyed reading and love every single book in my shelves(or in any bookstore and library). But there are always books which seem more enjoyable than the others. Books that really touched me in a little higher level.

So I made this list. Ten (10) books which in their own way touched me as a human being, a woman, a reader and especially a writer.

NOTE: These books aren’t really published last year, instead they are books I’ve just enjoyed reading. And they are not in order.

  1.  The Picture of Dorian Gray BY: Oscar Wilde

I wasn’t really into Classics. Good I’ve read this one because it introduced me to the said genre and made me realized what I’ve been missing this whole time for not reading Classics.

2. The Bell Jar BY: Sylvia Plath

Sylvia Plath is one of my fave poets and I was hesitant to read this novel. But I was (still am) suffering from Depression and I begun reading novels which tackles depression and other Psychological matters. And I can say that out of all those books this one is the best.

3. Rebecca BY: Daphne du Maurier

Another Classic that I’ve read after reading THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY. But this isn’t just your usual classic because it has a pinch of Gothicism in it.

    4. Big Rock BY: Lauren Blakely

I love Braden, the hero, because he portrays my ideal guy. That’s all I can say.

     5. The Rosie Project BY: Graeme Simsion

Simply Hilarious….Plus I love Nerds.

     6. The Red Pyramid BY: Rick Riordan

I’m not really a fan of Mythology but Riordan made me loved it. He wrote this one and all his other books beautifully and easy to read.

     7. A Place Called Here BY: Cecelia Ahern

Like I said I suffer depression, and I kind of always feeling down and lost. This book has many insights, quotes that helped me to at least loosen a bit.

     8. Ugly Love BY: Colleen Hoover

Hello? It’s Colleen Hoover. Of course her books are great. LOL! But this one just break me, ruin me in an interesting way. Great plot plus great writer equals greatness. (Of COurse)

      9. Appealed(The Legal Briefs #3) BY: Emma Chase

I could’ve included the other books in the series plus the Tangled Series but this one is enough I guess. Chase just writes wonderfully and she has this way of creating interesting characters. Especially the guys.

      10. Apricot Kisses BY: Claudia Winter

This one slapped me hard in my face. I didn’t want to read this. Thought it’s just another boring and cliché romance yet it proved me wrong. This one is sweet and an easy read. Plus the ending was just too cute.

So there you have it people. My top ten reads. If you want to read my reviews of these books and of many others, check My Goodreads Account.

Thank You and Happy new Year..

Lils.

 

Daily Prompt: Hopeful

via Daily Prompt: Hopeful

The Road to Success is often longer than we expected. But we walk the road anyway for the longer that road is, the harder it is, the more meaningful it is to go for that walk.

2016 was my best year so far. Not because every day was filled with smiles but because each day I felt I was going forward. I’m getting nearer and nearer to my destiny and that..That is why I can’t stop walking now.

Sometimes, I run too. But there are things that can only be done perfectly if done slowly. I take one step at a time. I get weary sometimes, and impatient, but I refrain myself.

I’m getting there, alright. And no one and nothing can stop me.