Inner Demon

DEMON’s LIES:

‘You can’t do it.’ ‘You’re not good enough.’ ‘You don’t have what it takes. ‘You’re not gonna make it.’

Familiar with those lines? Yes?  Most often, we hear these lines from other people but sometimes, WE say them to ourselves. It’s our ‘Inner Demon’ that makes us say those words.

I’m turning 25 this coming June, and somehow, I can feel the pressure again. I am not getting any younger!!! Yet it seems that I’m still too far to where I want to be.

I want to be a famous writer. And obviously, I’m still not.

Peers, family members, friends and fake friends are now wondering if I really can do it.  The thing is, they’ve been wondering the same thing ever since I dropped the bomb to everyone saying I AM FOCUSING ON WRITING NOW. That was two years ago, and I’m still me, MERE ME.

It’s easy to give in to pressure and get depressed about it but I learned one very important lesson some while ago – the key to one’s success isn’t about proving, or showing, to people that you can, but it’s all about overcoming yourself. Because, at the end of the day, what other people say to me wouldn’t matter, it’s what I tell myself that has great importance.

My Inner Demon is my greatest enemy. For how can I win over others when I can’t even win against my own? How can I prove to others what I can do if I don’t prove myself first of what I’m capable of. How can I show them what I can if I don’t even know what I can, right?

The problem is, my inner demon wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s always there. It’s in my heart, igniting the grief caused by my past failures. It’s in my mind, a pesky, little voice that never stop talking negative, causing me to wallow on self-pity and my self-confidence declining.

Demons are always present. Not just the inner ones. And I’m saying this, not just as a devout Christian, but as a dreamer who is still in this huge endeavor that’s been going on since forever and as a human being who clearly isn’t perfect yet a total perfectionist.

Inside me is this demon I unintentionally allow to dwell. I don’t think I can ever lose this inner demon. No matter what I achieve, and however I did things, this inner demon will always tell me I CAN’T DO IT.

How did I know this?

Because, I know I am not a total failure. I wanted to be a famous writer. I may not be famous (YET) but I am a writer. ALREADY A WRITER. I’m getting nearer to where I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve written several novellas and I have a novel that’s already in deliberation for publication. And i am currently working on a Screenplay (I’ll talk about this in another post). My point I already accomplished something which is actually quite a ‘big thing’ for all aspiring writers, yet does my inner demon stopped talking?

No. There is still this voice inside my head telling me the same negative things I’ve been hearing since forever. No kidding. It didn’t go. Sometimes I wanna yell at my reflection in the mirror so it would shut up. Maybe this is just me talking crazy. I AM CRAZY, by the way!!! But I”m sure all of us, dreamers have this voice in our heads telling us all the negative things possible, crushing our spirit.

I can’t say I made this demon inside my head, that I am responsible for its existence, maybe I do, but the point is, it’s already existing and it will take too much for them to disappear.

But I learned this trick. If this demonic voice decided to stay with me, like forever, well fine. If I can’t get rid of it, I’ll just learn to deal with it in the most effective way I know to intimidate an enemy-SMILING!!!
Yep, I’ll smile. because it’s what I’m good at (aside from writing..lol). I’m that kind of person who deserves the MOST CHEERFUL AWARD in school or in office. I rarely get an enemy. I rarely find myself in misunderstandings. But whenever someone try to annoy me, sabotage, or whatever insecure people do to others, I smile. It’s the most effective payback. It annoys them when they see me smiling no matter what they do to crush me.

That’s what I do with my inner demons, whenever I hear the voice telling me I can’t do it, I’m not good enough or I’ll never make it, I just smile. I’m not befriending them. I just say hi to my demons (inner and the others) and do what I should be doing which is writing.

This inner demon might do and say everything it can to pull me down and crush me, well, it’s best is not enough. Because no matter what happens, I might fall and fail sometimes, I’ll still get back up and do what I was born to do. I’ll still write no matter what happens around me, no matter what other people say and no matter what I tell myself.

Did I already mention that there are more familiar terms synonymous to demons?

DOUBT…and inner demon is SELF-DOUBT.

FEAR, Maybe…

Keep going even though you can’t seem to walk anymore. You can crawl. But don’t let Doubt or fear stop you and glue you in the same place you were yesterday. You may hear your inner demon saying all negative stuffs but can’t listen to it. Keep going, you’ll get there soon.

That’s what I’m doing. I know that if I wait for the demons to shut up before I do something, I will never ever reach my destiny. My greatest fear is to wake up one day, realizing that life has already passed me by. Sometimes, the best way to deal with adversaries is to get used to them, then know their weak point. And then, it will be easier to ignore them as days pass.

No one, not even God, promised that life is beautiful and easy. We have to deal with it in it’s cruelty.

Smiling to demons (and annoying them);

LILI MARCUS

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Spilled Coffee

liliswordyplanet

What do we do when we spilled our coffee?

I know, it should be spilled milk. But I don’t drink milk so I’m just gonna go with coffee since it has been my companion since I was a little kid. And I am too familiar with coffee stain and it has, somehow, got to do with what I’m going to share.

Spilled coffee and stains. (Haven’t heard of milk stain anyway.)

We all make mistakes, don’t we? We’ve been done wrong by others, haven’t we? But whether it’s our fault or not isn’t the issue I’m going to stress here. Intentional or not, who cares? Instead, let me ask you what you do when you make mistakes?

I often hear that we can identify one’s maturity through his/her decisions. I’m sorry but I disagree. Our maturity shows not on the decisions we make but on how we deal with the…

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Pause

Writing is one of the most tiring profession in the world. Others think once we have the ‘idea’ of what to write, putting it into words would be just as easy as putting a dough in an oven. The truth is, like baking, writing involves several steps before a story is cooked. And worse, not all stories baked are good enough for the taste buds of the readers. So in other words, writing is not at all easy. It’s tiring, even to those who’ve been writing since childhood.

Almost a couple of years ago, I’ve just begun focusing on writing, a friend of mine asked me what I do when I get tired of it. I said, I write. No kidding, when I get tired of writing, I still write. Because writing, much as it is my job, is also my hobby. It’s what makes me happy.

But if someone asks me now the same question, I’d have a different answer. Writing is still my job and hobby. It is still what makes me happy. But almost two long tiring exhausting years have passed. And okay there have been good times for me as a writer. Like I have submitted ten novellas (in Filipino), only two of which were returned as underdeveloped stories. That was success, mind you.

But most of the times, I forgot those successes and dwell on my failures. There are countless WIPs (Work in Progress) in my laptops’ hard drive. I have plenty of unfinished manuscripts I just can’t finish because of few reasons. But to sum it all, I get tired. I get tired of writing, of plotting, of revising or of the story itself.

What do I do now when I get tired? I pause.

In the past couple of years, I’ve been told(advised) plenty of things. Get a proper job that actually pays, get a degree, go socialize more, get yourself a boyfriend, get laid. I think if I would put all their advises into one sentence, it would be this: Stop writing.

They’re concern about me but they don’t don’t know everything. They think they know because of what they see in me, but they don’t know the half. Writing is my life. And if people think that I would stop just because I get tired of it, and nothing seems happening, they’re mistaken.

In life, we don’t stop just because we’re tired. See, why employees, even students have coffee breaks, lunch breaks, snack breaks, month leave and every other rest I don’t know about. They’re not stopping, they’re just having breaks. They can always resume what they’re doing after taking some rest.

We also don’t stop just because nothing is happening. Patience is a virtue, an old saying yet still true even to these days. Those who wait will be rewarded. There is a time for everything. Farmers wait three or more months before their harvest.

Life, as I said  in my post Slow Down, is not just a race, it’s one hell of a race.It is indeed exhausting. So slowing down a bit once in a while is a great idea. But there are just moments that we can’t run anymore. We can’t even walk, we’re numbed. We feel emptied physically and emotionally.

It feels like we’re out of batteries. When moments like these come, a discharge in whatever we’re doing seems like a good idea, but what we don’t realize, what we need is just a recharge. Withdrawal from our dreams isn’t the solution. Renewal is.

Whenever I get tired, I pause. It’s better than stopping. Stopping is no coming back, pause gives me a chance to be renewed and feels great and capable again for whatever I’m doing.

I encourage everyone not to quit, just pause. Sleep, eat, pray, meditate-it’s your choice. Do whatever it is that makes you filled with new energy, enthusiasm and knowledge that you can use when you feel going back to running again.

Whenever we start a certain race, we’re establishing our finish lines at the same time, though we don’t see them yet. Our finish lines are waiting for us so why stop? We’ve come this far anyway.

You’re almost done reading this..

Taking a pause,

Lili

Now ready to resume the race……………

 

 

 

 

A Piece for My self

Lesson Learned: Always leave something for yourself even if it’s just a single piece.

A poem I’ve written when I was twelve. Luckily, I’ve kept a notebook full of my old poems, but anyway, I remember every word of this particular poem by heart because it was when I wrote this that I realised how, indeed, life is full of heartbreaks.

Note: Don’t judge me, I was only twelve. Any form of criticism is not allowed because you don’t criticise a child of her work. Though I think I was a better poet before than now. Life ruined me and my passion.

TITLE: A PIECE FOR MYSELF

I gave another piece,

And I shuddered as he flees.

I am running out

and south.

I ain’t God.

As well not bad.

So I gave one to a friend.

To mom and her husband.

A stranger needed one.

I could’ve just turned.

Granny powdered a couple,

when she pushed us into a fold.

At least two I gave,

to each man I used to love.

One, I still long.

His name, I still moan.

For what is worth,

Of giving but nought-

I got.

Just bitten, beaten.

And forced by the brink.

To every side I will fall.

Foolishly, to a cliff I crawl.

Piece by piece, I gave.

Now empty is my chest,

I worry. Lest,

Nothing to give.

For I have never received.

Dying is my soul,

As I’m about to take the fall.

Almost Naked, half-pent:

To jump I bent.

But stupid hand,

Held some wand.

But no wand at all.

A pen I hold.

So bright

came the light.

I gave a piece to a pen.

A pen I still tend.

Something gave back,

A piece that is red. 

A piece for my self, it gave.

So I wrote a word.

Then another.

The piece,

as time flies.

It’ll grow,

In it’s due.

There’ll be pieces,

Not red ones,

But in black and whites.

 

As I said earlier, always keep a piece for yourself. Or rather, choose someone, or something, that will surely give back or won’t flee after getting a piece of you. Giving is good, great even, but giving our all and not leaving for ourselves is just wrong. We also need to live as much as every body else around us.

As for me, writing saved me. It was something that I gave my heart into and gave back. It made me realise that I still have something to hold onto.

How about you, what’s keeping you alive. Be sure to give a piece of you to ones that/who matter.

 

Making Pieces,

Lili

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kadima (Forward)

Getting up after a fall is just so hard. But we try getting up anyway. The problem is, not everyone succeeds on getting up. Like I said at my post Try Again, trying is tiring. Some grew tired trying to get up and sadly, they just remain where they fall. 😦

Good news is, there are still many of us who never stop trying and succeed getting up. And I want to say that we should not just get up, we should get going. We should keep moving starting from where we fell. And the best way to go is FORWARD. There is no other way.

You must think this post is just for those who succeed getting up. NO. Think about the babies. They can’t stand yet, right? But that doesn’t mean they don’t move forward because they do. So here’s my point,

 When you fall, try getting up.

If you can’t, then crawl,

But Crawl Forward.⇒⇒⇒

We all fall from time to time. There’s no preventing it. There are many cliffs, bumps, broken stairs, uncovered manholes and all other stuffs along the way which can make us fall. Besides, it’s almost like someone intentionally put them in our way for us to fall.

It’s frustrating, right? But try being positive. Just try. No matter how we fall, we have to get up, instead of giving up. But if we really can’t then we crawl. Let’s crawl towards the finish line if we have to. We don’t always have to label ourselves as runners because whether we admit it or not, we’re human beings. We grow weary.

Let us crawl as if our lives depend on it because actually it is. It’s either we move forward or we don’t.

Consider these:

A Runner doesn’t go back at the starting line even if someone already won, he still runs forward, even if it’s just for the sake of pride and dignity.

A baby won’t crawl back to her mother’s womb even after seeing how messed up the world outside is. She’ll learn to embrace the outside world and deals with it.

 

Who am I to tell these things, you might wonder. I am just like you. I am someone who already fell countless times before, but did get up. I am someone who’s falling right now, but isn’t afraid if my butt get hurt or get scrapes on my knees.

I am someone who’s definitely going to fall again in the future, God knows how many times. I’ll just read this post every time my butt or knees hit the ground, as a reminder. Because from time to time, we forget what we should do, especially when we find ourselves in difficult times.

Last point: Look at the image above. Kadima. It’s a Hebrew word for Forward. Anyway, I put a candle as the first line of the letter K.

What’s with the candle?

It’s LIGHT. If we are going forward, we need light because it’ll be one hard journey without it. And how can we be sure we’re moving towards the right path if we can’t see the way?

So I pray that you all find the right light that may guide you in your way. May you all find something, or someone, that will bright up your world.

Thanks for reading 🙂

 

Falling and will try getting up,

Lili. 🙂 🙂