How and Where I Want to Die.

I feel good.

The kind of good that someone feels after reading a book, especially a good book, and I just did. I just finished reading “Words In Deep Blue” by Cath Crowley like thirty minutes ago. I actually have to post a book review on Goodreads and on my new blog site intended only for book reviews and other bookish stuffs, but I spent the last 30 minutes munching peanut butter sandwich rolls(which I made) and THINK.

And I am STILL thinking…

“Words in Deep Blue” made me think, this book did. I won’t talk about what I think ABOUT the book but rather what I think BECAUSE of the book.

There’s this part that sadly, I need to paraphrase to avoid giving spoilers about the book. Here it is:

“He died in a place he loved the most. It was quick, it would have been. And the last thing he did before he died is for someone he loves.”

NOTE: No, the novel hasn’t a tragic ending. And I give all the credit to Ms. Crowley for every part of the book that I used here, and even the mere mention of it. 🙂

Anyway, what have I been musing about after finishing the book?  It’s my Death. Here’s the thing about people like me who have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression, and let’s not forget, Anxiety Disorder: Death is a word constant to us, as constant as LIFE itself.

Personally, death has always been there; at the sideline, sometimes behind me, sometimes ahead of me. the point is, it’s always WITH me. I hate to compare LIFE with DEATH but I couldn’t help thinking or acknowledging the fact that Death like Life is always present.

Death is never absent in my life. (Somebody tell me please, what figure of speech I just used.) Maybe it’s kind of a paradox that have been solved. Life is the absence of Death. And Death is the absence of Life. Yet, they coexist.

Moving on…

Death will happen to me. Intentionally or otherwise, I will die. But tonight I made a very important decision:

I WON’T JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will die in a place I love, doing the things I love, and doing them for the people I love.

But what do I love? Oh I know this since forever. I love Reading and Writing.

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Maybe it’s nobler to say that what I love is making people happy, instead of mere Reading and Writing, but making people happy is something I’ve been doing not by choice, it is something I do, and love doing because it’s in my being. It’s what makes me human. I’d be still be doing it even if I choose to do it, or simply if situation demands.

So Reading and Writing then. It’s okay if I die either of the two. It’s okay if I die while reading the worst book ever written. It’s not the book, it’s reading itself that matters. It’s okay if I’m not writing a masterpiece of Literature while having my last breath, as long as I’m writing.

Ah what a good time to die…

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And where? I think any place where I can read or write is a place I’d love. It would be  a perfect place.

And how, one may wonder, am I doing this for the people I love? Well, when I die, they wouldn’t be THAT sad. As simple as that actually. Most of us know the agony, how hard it is when a loved one dies. Most often we have regrets. A death of a loved one is one of the most severe causes of regrets. I don’t want this to happen upon my death.

Thus, I’ll die happily. It would surely make the people I’ll leave behind sad,  but it wouldn’t be the kind of sad with regrets. They won’t regret losing me if they know I died happily.

I’m doing this for myself as well because I consider myself as one of the people I love. No matter how shitty I often think of myself, I still love ME. I choose to love myself, still.

And maybe I wouldn’t feel this way tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll feel shitty again and suicidal. But I don’t to be bothered by that possibility. What matters is tonight. Tonight, I feel good and I want to record it for future use. 🙂 Tonight, I love myself, enough to make a decision, choosing to do something that makes me happy until the day I die.

LIVING HAPPILY,

LILI MARCUS 🙂

 

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Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Yesterday, today and tomorrow are all now.

‘I wish I can go back and change things’

I’m pretty sure we’ve all desired the same thing. Maybe some wished it openly, some kept it to themselves. We all have regrets. We all have a thing or two(maybe more) in our past that we would want to change if given a chance. But the problem is, there will never be a chance to change them. Because no one will ever give us that chance. Not even God. God will and is capable of giving chances but NOT to change the past, but to ensure that the future won’t end up like the past.

We all heard that phrase, ‘Past is past’ and agreed that it is true. But no one really accepted it as easy as nodding. Moving on is one of the hardest things on earth, next to forgiveness, in my opinion. But I want to share this little mantra of mine. I want to call it a mantra, deal with it, friends, please.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow are all NOW!!!

“Another chapter in the book cant go back but you can look
And there we are on every page
Memories I’ll always save
Up ahead on the open doors
Who knows what were heading towards?
I wish you love I wish you luck
For you the world just opens up
But it’s so hard to say goodbye                                                                                                               Yesterday’s gone we gotta keep moving on”

These lines are from I’ll Always Remember You by Miley Cyrus. She sang that as Hanna Montana. And yes, I’m a Hannah Montana girl. We actually share the same age and that’s irrelevant here.

Moving on, the song talks about the past, memories that will be saved in one’s heart. But the singer doesn’t say that she’ll stay with those memories, but will keep moving on, because there are open doors waiting for her.

I realized that memories can stay but WE can stay in the memories. Let me rephrase that: We can choose not to forget our past, the good parts and the bad ones, but we shouldn’t stay living IN those memories.

The song says, can’t go back, but you can look. Going back is actually not possible but looking back is. That’s why I have this belief that my past, my future and my today are all NOW. My present defines my future but it also reflect what my past is.

Since going back is not an option, why not we just look, took a glance on what had been to make sure that what will be will be better than what is. Confused already? I’m saying that we get whatever useful from our past and use it now for the sake of our future.

We’ve been told to focus on NOW and make the most of the time. And that’s right but we should be careful, if we do just that-make the most of the present- we are likely to make the same mistakes we did, intentionally or unintentionally. We should be more careful now, vigilant and wiser.

Once in a while, why don’t we open that door of the past and took a glimpse before we enter into another open door that leads to our future. We should look at what’s inside that door and observe, learn and decide what we should do once we enter another door.

Our Today  should be a combination of our yesterday and our tomorrow. Our past is important because it’s our teacher. We should learn from our experiences. Our future should be a testimony of what we’ve learned from our past and that will depends on whatever we are doing NOW.

Another thing, if we do nothing but focus on now, wouldn’t it be so boring? I say we look into our future, get a glimpse of it as we should do in our past. We can’t get there now, but we can always get excited about it. Get vision of tomorrow and that’s one great motivation. If we’re not excited about tomorrow, about waking up the next morning, then why on earth are we still here for? Right?

I had this teacher in first grade who taught me of spelling because I suck at it. I’m still not good at it. I was about to compete in an English quiz bee and she thought I should be good with spelling too. So spelling was part of my training before the contest. Once, she had me spelled ‘FUTURE’ and I spelled it as ‘FEWCHUR’. I mean, I did know that time how to spell ‘FEW’ and CHUR was kind of easy to spell.

She laughed at me, the kind of laugh that is loving. The kind that mothers give to their little children when they stumble when they’re still learning how to walk. Anyway, instead of teaching me the right spelling, she told me that I can just spell ‘FUTURE’ as N-O-W.

I never understood why she did that until I’m old enough to understand life itself. She wanted me to see that my future is now. And she is right.

Now I have this chance to share something to people and if I’m going to steal my teacher’s style, I’d say, from now on, spell PRESENT as P-A-S-T-F-U-T-U-R-E.

Then, now and forever grateful,

Lili

Spilled Coffee

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What do we do when we spilled our coffee?

I know, it should be spilled milk. But I don’t drink milk so I’m just gonna go with coffee since it has been my companion since I was a little kid. And I am too familiar with coffee stain and it has, somehow, got to do with what I’m going to share.

Spilled coffee and stains. (Haven’t heard of milk stain anyway.)

We all make mistakes, don’t we? We’ve been done wrong by others, haven’t we? But whether it’s our fault or not isn’t the issue I’m going to stress here. Intentional or not, who cares? Instead, let me ask you what you do when you make mistakes?

I often hear that we can identify one’s maturity through his/her decisions. I’m sorry but I disagree. Our maturity shows not on the decisions we make but on how we deal with the…

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Pause

Writing is one of the most tiring profession in the world. Others think once we have the ‘idea’ of what to write, putting it into words would be just as easy as putting a dough in an oven. The truth is, like baking, writing involves several steps before a story is cooked. And worse, not all stories baked are good enough for the taste buds of the readers. So in other words, writing is not at all easy. It’s tiring, even to those who’ve been writing since childhood.

Almost a couple of years ago, I’ve just begun focusing on writing, a friend of mine asked me what I do when I get tired of it. I said, I write. No kidding, when I get tired of writing, I still write. Because writing, much as it is my job, is also my hobby. It’s what makes me happy.

But if someone asks me now the same question, I’d have a different answer. Writing is still my job and hobby. It is still what makes me happy. But almost two long tiring exhausting years have passed. And okay there have been good times for me as a writer. Like I have submitted ten novellas (in Filipino), only two of which were returned as underdeveloped stories. That was success, mind you.

But most of the times, I forgot those successes and dwell on my failures. There are countless WIPs (Work in Progress) in my laptops’ hard drive. I have plenty of unfinished manuscripts I just can’t finish because of few reasons. But to sum it all, I get tired. I get tired of writing, of plotting, of revising or of the story itself.

What do I do now when I get tired? I pause.

In the past couple of years, I’ve been told(advised) plenty of things. Get a proper job that actually pays, get a degree, go socialize more, get yourself a boyfriend, get laid. I think if I would put all their advises into one sentence, it would be this: Stop writing.

They’re concern about me but they don’t don’t know everything. They think they know because of what they see in me, but they don’t know the half. Writing is my life. And if people think that I would stop just because I get tired of it, and nothing seems happening, they’re mistaken.

In life, we don’t stop just because we’re tired. See, why employees, even students have coffee breaks, lunch breaks, snack breaks, month leave and every other rest I don’t know about. They’re not stopping, they’re just having breaks. They can always resume what they’re doing after taking some rest.

We also don’t stop just because nothing is happening. Patience is a virtue, an old saying yet still true even to these days. Those who wait will be rewarded. There is a time for everything. Farmers wait three or more months before their harvest.

Life, as I said  in my post Slow Down, is not just a race, it’s one hell of a race.It is indeed exhausting. So slowing down a bit once in a while is a great idea. But there are just moments that we can’t run anymore. We can’t even walk, we’re numbed. We feel emptied physically and emotionally.

It feels like we’re out of batteries. When moments like these come, a discharge in whatever we’re doing seems like a good idea, but what we don’t realize, what we need is just a recharge. Withdrawal from our dreams isn’t the solution. Renewal is.

Whenever I get tired, I pause. It’s better than stopping. Stopping is no coming back, pause gives me a chance to be renewed and feels great and capable again for whatever I’m doing.

I encourage everyone not to quit, just pause. Sleep, eat, pray, meditate-it’s your choice. Do whatever it is that makes you filled with new energy, enthusiasm and knowledge that you can use when you feel going back to running again.

Whenever we start a certain race, we’re establishing our finish lines at the same time, though we don’t see them yet. Our finish lines are waiting for us so why stop? We’ve come this far anyway.

You’re almost done reading this..

Taking a pause,

Lili

Now ready to resume the race……………

 

 

 

 

The Power of a Thread

For dressmakers, a thread seems useful enough, but for others like us, it seems not beneficial at all. Last week I was reading Jane Eyre and the word thread was mentioned many times at the first quarter of the book. It reminded me of a certain idiom that mentioned a thread.

How can one possible hang by a thread? It doesn’t make sense, right? But I realized, hanging by a thread is not what matters, it’s what we do while hanging by a thread that matters. As dreamers, we are always hanging by a thread. And failure seems to be one of our closest acquaintances.

But here’s what I think, as long as we hang onto that thread and do something about it, we won’t fail. I know, what can a mere thread does. And it’s an idiom anyway. That particular idiom actually means a failure or a loss is likely to happen. It’s almost hopeless. Almost.  It means, holding onto something so small, that might as well nothing.

Fine, a thread is small, but IT IS THERE. We can’t deny the fact that we are holding onto something. We haven’t fell yet. We aren’t on the ground yet. And maybe we can’t use the thread for climbing again, but we can hold onto it until we find something useful for climbing.

A thread gives us hope. It’s small but it is there. It sure helps us to believe that even the smallest thing can be useful. Even the tiniest rope ever made on earth can save us from falling directly to the ground. I learned to call my failures as setbacks. Every time I fall, I don’t really fall flat to the ground. I learned how to hang onto that tiny rope. I fall yes, an inch or maybe a yard long, but I don’t let myself fall as far as the ground.

A rope is always available for every dreamer alive. The problem is most people don’t see it, sometimes, they’re simply oblivious about it. And another thing, which I find the saddest among all, there are people who find that thread, but they’re not determined enough to hang onto it. They let go of that thread.

Hang on. Keep holding on. As long as we have that thread in our grip, anything can happen. Even impossible things can happen, you know. The thing is we’re too busy looking at huge things and what they can do, that we often miss what small things can do.

When we’re at our lowest, we run out of possibilities that’s why most of us just give up. But what if there’s a small possibility? Would we grab it? Of course we will. Now let me say one thing about a thread- it can go through an eye of the needle. No rope can ever go through the eye of a needle except for a thread. That tiny, little thing that seems useless to us can go through the smallest hole on earth.

What does it teach me? Hanging by a thread actually means having a little hope and holding onto that hope that I can go through anything. Even if the possibility is small, I’ll get through it. Because most often, the only way to get over an unfortunate situation is through it.

 

Now that I think of it, maybe I can write about small things and what they can do. Maybe next time. For now, let’s all hold onto a thread. It’s hard to find because it’s usually small but it’s there- keep looking. And to those who already found something to hold onto, tighten you’re grip and believe.

 

Hanging by a thread;

Lili

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kadima (Forward)

Getting up after a fall is just so hard. But we try getting up anyway. The problem is, not everyone succeeds on getting up. Like I said at my post Try Again, trying is tiring. Some grew tired trying to get up and sadly, they just remain where they fall. 😦

Good news is, there are still many of us who never stop trying and succeed getting up. And I want to say that we should not just get up, we should get going. We should keep moving starting from where we fell. And the best way to go is FORWARD. There is no other way.

You must think this post is just for those who succeed getting up. NO. Think about the babies. They can’t stand yet, right? But that doesn’t mean they don’t move forward because they do. So here’s my point,

 When you fall, try getting up.

If you can’t, then crawl,

But Crawl Forward.⇒⇒⇒

We all fall from time to time. There’s no preventing it. There are many cliffs, bumps, broken stairs, uncovered manholes and all other stuffs along the way which can make us fall. Besides, it’s almost like someone intentionally put them in our way for us to fall.

It’s frustrating, right? But try being positive. Just try. No matter how we fall, we have to get up, instead of giving up. But if we really can’t then we crawl. Let’s crawl towards the finish line if we have to. We don’t always have to label ourselves as runners because whether we admit it or not, we’re human beings. We grow weary.

Let us crawl as if our lives depend on it because actually it is. It’s either we move forward or we don’t.

Consider these:

A Runner doesn’t go back at the starting line even if someone already won, he still runs forward, even if it’s just for the sake of pride and dignity.

A baby won’t crawl back to her mother’s womb even after seeing how messed up the world outside is. She’ll learn to embrace the outside world and deals with it.

 

Who am I to tell these things, you might wonder. I am just like you. I am someone who already fell countless times before, but did get up. I am someone who’s falling right now, but isn’t afraid if my butt get hurt or get scrapes on my knees.

I am someone who’s definitely going to fall again in the future, God knows how many times. I’ll just read this post every time my butt or knees hit the ground, as a reminder. Because from time to time, we forget what we should do, especially when we find ourselves in difficult times.

Last point: Look at the image above. Kadima. It’s a Hebrew word for Forward. Anyway, I put a candle as the first line of the letter K.

What’s with the candle?

It’s LIGHT. If we are going forward, we need light because it’ll be one hard journey without it. And how can we be sure we’re moving towards the right path if we can’t see the way?

So I pray that you all find the right light that may guide you in your way. May you all find something, or someone, that will bright up your world.

Thanks for reading 🙂

 

Falling and will try getting up,

Lili. 🙂 🙂

 

 

 

 

Eyeing The Future

Eyeing the future should be in retrospect. Ironic, I know. But here’s my point, we eye the future as a bright one, simply because we should. Seeing our future dark and gloomy won’t help anyway. Our future depends on how we see it, and I? I see it in retrospect.

How? Since I was fourteen, I developed a habit that even then, I knew would help me a lot in the future. Every year end , I would make a list of my goals for the coming year. Other people call that list of New Years Resolution, but I don’t. Just hearing the phrase New Year Resolution is already discouraging since most people ditch their resolutions even before January ends.

Anyway, my list of goals includes the things I want to accomplish and even the things I want to buy or have or give. This year, I even include a certain person I want to meet personally.

The following is my last year’s list which will help me this year.

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Setting my goals for 2017 is checking and reflecting in my previous year’s list. My way of seeing my future is by seeing my past. My past list (With the ones I accomplished and those I didn’t) teach me how to do better this year.

Say, the third on my list says about me practice writing. I did join NaNoWriMo and gloriously won but my 2016 Journal has more empty pages than not. And my previous WordPress site  was a total shame. Why did I win NaNoWriMo? Because I forced myself to join. And I’ve been readying myself for the said event long before November. Why, on the other hand, I didn’t fill my journal? I let myself get lazy. Why my site was a shame? I let myself get lazy.

This year I know I’ll still be lazy but I’ll use the THING that helped me with NaNoWriMo-preparedness. After winning the event, I realised, planning is really very important. SO last December, I researched for topics I can use for blogging. I even start outlining my topics so it’ll be easier to blog in the coming days.

See what I did? I reflected. Then I learned not just from my mistakes but from my accomplishments as well. Then I will apply. Determine what made you win, then use it to win the things you’ve lost before.

So I guess, saying that eyeing the future should be in retrospect isn’t ironic anymore.

BY THE WAY, The image above (THE EYE) was drawn by my 15-year-old cousin.  

For the last time: Reflect, Learn, and Apply!!

—LILI 🙂 🙂 🙂