Faith smaller than a mustard seed: An Open Letter to God.

My Lord,

Hi.

Actually, I don’t know what to say, or perhaps I’m not sure HOW to say it. Remember when I told you I want out? I was serious that time. I still want to be out, you know. It’s because I’m tired of feeling hurt and ignored. I’m tired of disappointments. Not just in your part, mine as well. I am hurt every time I feel like you disappoint me, though I know, in my heart, you’d answer me, I just have to wait. But see, I’m too weak to wait. And for that I am disappointing you, in return. Every time, I disappoint you, I end up blaming myself to the point of condemnation.

And every Christian knows only worse things come out from condemnation.

I wish I can tell you I’ll be stronger this time, that I’ll be more trusting to you this time. I’m afraid I can’t. I need help. I’ve been in sought of that HELP from you ever since I learned how serious and hopeless my case is. I’m drowning, Lord. I’m also falling. I can’t breathe.

Here’s the thing though, even though I voluntarily turned my back on you, I never felt like you left. No, that’s too much faith. What I mean is that you’re being too easy on me. You don’t give me so much struggle just to force me to get back to you; to accept you again. No, I am in perfect faith you won’t go that far.

Is this faith enough?

I thank you for I think you’re giving me time for myself. You want me to be calm, to relax for a while and get rid of this anxiety that’s been gnawing at me for a long time now. You want me to get some rest, abandon my worries for a while. You want me to clear my mind and be not pressured or stressed of my adversaries and afflictions. You want me to find myself again.

But my Lord, I don’t think I’m having success in the matter. Did I find myself already? Do I know myself more now? Do I understand what’s and have been happening to me all these time?

I don’t have the answer Lord, I’m afraid.

Maybe, somehow, there’s a little faith still left in me for you, but I’m not sure if it’s enough. It must have been even smaller as a mustard seed. And so it must be the littlest faith any Christian can ever have. My faith, it’s too little and meager. Would you want it?

I know you have other children who have faith bigger than the Milky way, so maybe mine would be so insignificant. It may seem not needed and no place in your kingdom. Would you give me at least a place on your doorway, or maybe the windowsill. Any place would do, I just want to be in your presence again.

I want to be with you. But then, would you  have me, Lord?

I can’t promise to be different from what I was before. But then again, I’m not entitled to make any promises, only to rely on yours. It’s your job Lord, to make promises and see them to pass. Would you still have me even if I act like this? With little faith and too much complaints, would you have me?

This depression, this anxiety, I want to get rid of them, yet it’s not that easy. How can I rid of something I’ve been carrying ever since I realized that the world isn’t the best place for weak ones like me to live? It’s been my companion most of my life Lord, and maybe I should be tired of it to get rid of it. But it doesn’t go.

I’m tired of it, alright. I hope my relationship with you, our closeness, did the trick. It didn’t. I still wake up every morning and sleep at night helplessly thinking something will go wrong eventually. Tis what anxiety does to me. And I want it to stop. But how?

This little of faith of mine, if you would have me back my Lord, ’tis only I can offer. The littlest faith you’ll ever know and yet I am not ashamed of it. I somehow believe this. This will take me far enough to be happy. I’ll go as far as from here to THERE. Even the smallest dust can travel far, given the right guide from the wind.

I need the right guide. Would you provide it for me?

This, I realize, is hubris-an overbearing arrogance. How can I ask you of this after everything I’ve done, after I turned my back on you in the most deliberate manner, every devout Christian could ever imagine? Frankly, I feel like I’ve done worse than all the mistakes and sins of all your beloved disciples combined.

There, talk about anxiety to the highest level. 😦

Lastly, My Lord, if you would have me, I have one question. Is it possible for embers to catch fire once again? After the initial fire has died? ‘Cause you see, My Lord, that’s all I am now-an ember. And I’m so scared no fire would ever rekindle in me again and I’d end up to ashes.

Just as my faith a dust-size, myself as ashes. Dust and ashes, if they have something in common it is DEATH.

And that’s what I’m afraid the most. Thus, I’m turning back to you. You are life-so I’ve heard.

 

—-LILI

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Inner Demon

DEMON’s LIES:

‘You can’t do it.’ ‘You’re not good enough.’ ‘You don’t have what it takes. ‘You’re not gonna make it.’

Familiar with those lines? Yes?  Most often, we hear these lines from other people but sometimes, WE say them to ourselves. It’s our ‘Inner Demon’ that makes us say those words.

I’m turning 25 this coming June, and somehow, I can feel the pressure again. I am not getting any younger!!! Yet it seems that I’m still too far to where I want to be.

I want to be a famous writer. And obviously, I’m still not.

Peers, family members, friends and fake friends are now wondering if I really can do it.  The thing is, they’ve been wondering the same thing ever since I dropped the bomb to everyone saying I AM FOCUSING ON WRITING NOW. That was two years ago, and I’m still me, MERE ME.

It’s easy to give in to pressure and get depressed about it but I learned one very important lesson some while ago – the key to one’s success isn’t about proving, or showing, to people that you can, but it’s all about overcoming yourself. Because, at the end of the day, what other people say to me wouldn’t matter, it’s what I tell myself that has great importance.

My Inner Demon is my greatest enemy. For how can I win over others when I can’t even win against my own? How can I prove to others what I can do if I don’t prove myself first of what I’m capable of. How can I show them what I can if I don’t even know what I can, right?

The problem is, my inner demon wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s always there. It’s in my heart, igniting the grief caused by my past failures. It’s in my mind, a pesky, little voice that never stop talking negative, causing me to wallow on self-pity and my self-confidence declining.

Demons are always present. Not just the inner ones. And I’m saying this, not just as a devout Christian, but as a dreamer who is still in this huge endeavor that’s been going on since forever and as a human being who clearly isn’t perfect yet a total perfectionist.

Inside me is this demon I unintentionally allow to dwell. I don’t think I can ever lose this inner demon. No matter what I achieve, and however I did things, this inner demon will always tell me I CAN’T DO IT.

How did I know this?

Because, I know I am not a total failure. I wanted to be a famous writer. I may not be famous (YET) but I am a writer. ALREADY A WRITER. I’m getting nearer to where I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve written several novellas and I have a novel that’s already in deliberation for publication. And i am currently working on a Screenplay (I’ll talk about this in another post). My point I already accomplished something which is actually quite a ‘big thing’ for all aspiring writers, yet does my inner demon stopped talking?

No. There is still this voice inside my head telling me the same negative things I’ve been hearing since forever. No kidding. It didn’t go. Sometimes I wanna yell at my reflection in the mirror so it would shut up. Maybe this is just me talking crazy. I AM CRAZY, by the way!!! But I”m sure all of us, dreamers have this voice in our heads telling us all the negative things possible, crushing our spirit.

I can’t say I made this demon inside my head, that I am responsible for its existence, maybe I do, but the point is, it’s already existing and it will take too much for them to disappear.

But I learned this trick. If this demonic voice decided to stay with me, like forever, well fine. If I can’t get rid of it, I’ll just learn to deal with it in the most effective way I know to intimidate an enemy-SMILING!!!
Yep, I’ll smile. because it’s what I’m good at (aside from writing..lol). I’m that kind of person who deserves the MOST CHEERFUL AWARD in school or in office. I rarely get an enemy. I rarely find myself in misunderstandings. But whenever someone try to annoy me, sabotage, or whatever insecure people do to others, I smile. It’s the most effective payback. It annoys them when they see me smiling no matter what they do to crush me.

That’s what I do with my inner demons, whenever I hear the voice telling me I can’t do it, I’m not good enough or I’ll never make it, I just smile. I’m not befriending them. I just say hi to my demons (inner and the others) and do what I should be doing which is writing.

This inner demon might do and say everything it can to pull me down and crush me, well, it’s best is not enough. Because no matter what happens, I might fall and fail sometimes, I’ll still get back up and do what I was born to do. I’ll still write no matter what happens around me, no matter what other people say and no matter what I tell myself.

Did I already mention that there are more familiar terms synonymous to demons?

DOUBT…and inner demon is SELF-DOUBT.

FEAR, Maybe…

Keep going even though you can’t seem to walk anymore. You can crawl. But don’t let Doubt or fear stop you and glue you in the same place you were yesterday. You may hear your inner demon saying all negative stuffs but can’t listen to it. Keep going, you’ll get there soon.

That’s what I’m doing. I know that if I wait for the demons to shut up before I do something, I will never ever reach my destiny. My greatest fear is to wake up one day, realizing that life has already passed me by. Sometimes, the best way to deal with adversaries is to get used to them, then know their weak point. And then, it will be easier to ignore them as days pass.

No one, not even God, promised that life is beautiful and easy. We have to deal with it in it’s cruelty.

Smiling to demons (and annoying them);

LILI MARCUS

How To Fall In Love by Cecelia Ahern: A Review

How to Fall in LoveHow to Fall in Love by Cecelia Ahern
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I’ve been reading Ahern’s works since forever and I love her novels because they’re all heartwarming and easy reads. This one isn’t different from all her works. I enjoyed it as much as I did with the others.

The heroine, CHRISTINE is obviously has some issues. Her obsessions with Self-help books shows that she isn’t happy or contented with her life. And more importantly she needs help. She is looking for something(not gonna tell you what). But when she accidentally witnessed a guy who committed a suicide, she became more aware of her self-her problems and the things that she must do. One of those things is to get out of her marriage.

But her husband just can’t get over their sudden separation and kept on pestering her. Christine’s life took a little turn when she, once again, witnessed another guy,ADAM, trying to kill himself. Not wanting to commit the same mistake she did with the previous suicidal guy, she did everything to convince the guy not to do it.

She succeeded and since that day, Adam and Christine were inseparable. Christine, with the help of her self-help books, teaches Adam to love life again, including getting back his ex. And Adam, he still has his issues. He’s depressed but little by little, his improvement is obvious and I remember being glad the way he boomed in the story.

My only slight problem is that I wish the book is longer and I want a more-definite ending. I want to see Adam really into counselling with a real Psychologist. I want to see both of them being sweet to each other because they’re lovers already. It was a happy ending but I want a longer version of the story.

I read this one as I was having a break from writing and it turned out I picked the right book. I needed an easy, loving, heartwarming story. This one is all of those. Though it talks about suicide, it is still an easy read. Not depressing at all.

Thumbs up for Ahern.:) 🙂 🙂

Check out my Goodreads account https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/58341705-lili-marcus

View all my reviews

Spilled Coffee

What do we do when we spilled our coffee?

I know, it should be spilled milk. But I don’t drink milk so I’m just gonna go with coffee since it has been my companion since I was a little kid. And I am too familiar with coffee stain and it has, somehow, got to do with what I’m going to share.

Spilled coffee and stains. (Haven’t heard of milk stain anyway.)

We all make mistakes, don’t we? We’ve been done wrong by others, haven’t we? But whether it’s our fault or not isn’t the issue I’m going to stress here. Intentional or not, who cares? Instead, let me ask you what you do when you make mistakes?

I often hear that we can identify one’s maturity through his/her decisions. I’m sorry but I disagree. Our maturity shows not on the decisions we make but on how we deal with the consequences of our decisions.

Once, I spilled my coffee in a book I was reading. Worse, it was a John Grisham novel. If you know me, you’d know, I love books more than any non-living thing in this world, and that I love John Grisham because the first novel I’ve ever read (when I was barely eight) was written by him.  So needless to say, that book I was reading is a treasure for me.

And I spilled coffee on it.

I freaked out. I screamed ‘Sh*t’ countless times while my mind tries to process what to do with it. But I just stood there, staring at my book, freaking out and had no idea what to do next. Then my mother came into my room, uttered an ‘oh my god’ and then left. But after a minute or so, she came with two pieces of cloths(maybe they were rags or something). One was wet. The other was dry.

Before I knew it she was already patting the wet page with the dry towel, sapping the excess coffee. Next thing she did was using the wet(slightly wet) cloth, as if to wipe the coffee stain away. She was very careful as she did that part since she knows how I treasure my books. Then she took the book in front of the fan and let it dry. I, then, stopped freaking out.

Good news is the book survived. Bad news is the coffee stain remains until now. I still have the book but I already bought a new copy because I want my books clean. Anyway, what’s with my story?

I was entirely immature. Though it wasn’t my decision that my coffee spilled, the coffee was my choice. If it was milk, I could’ve just dried it off and there would be no stains. Another thing was, I freaked out instead of dealing with it right away. What if I did what my mother did as soon as the coffee spilled. Maybe there would be no stains, or it would be paler. Maybe only few pages would’ve get stained.

Foolish me.

Most of the times, in life, we act like that. We freaked out, sometimes we get overwhelmed with what happened instead of dealing with it right away. We waste time. And time when wasted is forever wasted. And while stalling, wasting time, little do we realise, we’re letting the used-to-be little consequences grew bigger. And thus, they are harder to deal with.

We are all going to make mistakes, wrong decisions, from time to time, we can’t stop people from doing wrong to us and we can never avoid those seemingly unfortunate circumstances that came into our life. But we can always choose to do the right thing once these things happen to us. We can never make things back to what they originally were, but we can lessen the damage.

Mistakes happen so we can learn. When we make mistakes, we don’t have to be hard on ourselves. Let’s think of it as an opportunity for us to be teachers. Only, the students are ourselves. Isn’t that great?

When others do us wrong, forgive. I won’t say forget, because come on, it’s one hard thing to do. And we don’t have to forget the wrong things done, since they are usually the ones that teach valuable lessons. We just have to let go of hatred and all other emotions that go with it. But we don’t forget what happened, it can be our references in time.

One more thing, instead of uttering useless craps (like what I did), why don’t we start using our voices asking for help? We can always find someone who can help us. We are never alone. If you believe otherwise, then you’re mistaken. I’m sorry, but that’s just the truth.

Our mistakes will leave us stains, and sometimes it would be a painful reminder of our foolishness. But if it can remind us how foolish we were, it can motivate us to do better now. To be smarter!!!

DRINKING COFFEE and trying not to spill it,

Lili

A Piece for My self

Lesson Learned: Always leave something for yourself even if it’s just a single piece.

A poem I’ve written when I was twelve. Luckily, I’ve kept a notebook full of my old poems, but anyway, I remember every word of this particular poem by heart because it was when I wrote this that I realised how, indeed, life is full of heartbreaks.

Note: Don’t judge me, I was only twelve. Any form of criticism is not allowed because you don’t criticise a child of her work. Though I think I was a better poet before than now. Life ruined me and my passion.

TITLE: A PIECE FOR MYSELF

I gave another piece,

And I shuddered as he flees.

I am running out

and south.

I ain’t God.

As well not bad.

So I gave one to a friend.

To mom and her husband.

A stranger needed one.

I could’ve just turned.

Granny powdered a couple,

when she pushed us into a fold.

At least two I gave,

to each man I used to love.

One, I still long.

His name, I still moan.

For what is worth,

Of giving but nought-

I got.

Just bitten, beaten.

And forced by the brink.

To every side I will fall.

Foolishly, to a cliff I crawl.

Piece by piece, I gave.

Now empty is my chest,

I worry. Lest,

Nothing to give.

For I have never received.

Dying is my soul,

As I’m about to take the fall.

Almost Naked, half-pent:

To jump I bent.

But stupid hand,

Held some wand.

But no wand at all.

A pen I hold.

So bright

came the light.

I gave a piece to a pen.

A pen I still tend.

Something gave back,

A piece that is red. 

A piece for my self, it gave.

So I wrote a word.

Then another.

The piece,

as time flies.

It’ll grow,

In it’s due.

There’ll be pieces,

Not red ones,

But in black and whites.

 

As I said earlier, always keep a piece for yourself. Or rather, choose someone, or something, that will surely give back or won’t flee after getting a piece of you. Giving is good, great even, but giving our all and not leaving for ourselves is just wrong. We also need to live as much as every body else around us.

As for me, writing saved me. It was something that I gave my heart into and gave back. It made me realise that I still have something to hold onto.

How about you, what’s keeping you alive. Be sure to give a piece of you to ones that/who matter.

 

Making Pieces,

Lili