How and Where I Want to Die.

I feel good.

The kind of good that someone feels after reading a book, especially a good book, and I just did. I just finished reading “Words In Deep Blue” by Cath Crowley like thirty minutes ago. I actually have to post a book review on Goodreads and on my new blog site intended only for book reviews and other bookish stuffs, but I spent the last 30 minutes munching peanut butter sandwich rolls(which I made) and THINK.

And I am STILL thinking…

“Words in Deep Blue” made me think, this book did. I won’t talk about what I think ABOUT the book but rather what I think BECAUSE of the book.

There’s this part that sadly, I need to paraphrase to avoid giving spoilers about the book. Here it is:

“He died in a place he loved the most. It was quick, it would have been. And the last thing he did before he died is for someone he loves.”

NOTE: No, the novel hasn’t a tragic ending. And I give all the credit to Ms. Crowley for every part of the book that I used here, and even the mere mention of it. 🙂

Anyway, what have I been musing about after finishing the book?  It’s my Death. Here’s the thing about people like me who have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression, and let’s not forget, Anxiety Disorder: Death is a word constant to us, as constant as LIFE itself.

Personally, death has always been there; at the sideline, sometimes behind me, sometimes ahead of me. the point is, it’s always WITH me. I hate to compare LIFE with DEATH but I couldn’t help thinking or acknowledging the fact that Death like Life is always present.

Death is never absent in my life. (Somebody tell me please, what figure of speech I just used.) Maybe it’s kind of a paradox that have been solved. Life is the absence of Death. And Death is the absence of Life. Yet, they coexist.

Moving on…

Death will happen to me. Intentionally or otherwise, I will die. But tonight I made a very important decision:

I WON’T JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will die in a place I love, doing the things I love, and doing them for the people I love.

But what do I love? Oh I know this since forever. I love Reading and Writing.

IMG_20170507_110142_638

Maybe it’s nobler to say that what I love is making people happy, instead of mere Reading and Writing, but making people happy is something I’ve been doing not by choice, it is something I do, and love doing because it’s in my being. It’s what makes me human. I’d be still be doing it even if I choose to do it, or simply if situation demands.

So Reading and Writing then. It’s okay if I die either of the two. It’s okay if I die while reading the worst book ever written. It’s not the book, it’s reading itself that matters. It’s okay if I’m not writing a masterpiece of Literature while having my last breath, as long as I’m writing.

Ah what a good time to die…

IMG_20170516_220136_136

And where? I think any place where I can read or write is a place I’d love. It would be  a perfect place.

And how, one may wonder, am I doing this for the people I love? Well, when I die, they wouldn’t be THAT sad. As simple as that actually. Most of us know the agony, how hard it is when a loved one dies. Most often we have regrets. A death of a loved one is one of the most severe causes of regrets. I don’t want this to happen upon my death.

Thus, I’ll die happily. It would surely make the people I’ll leave behind sad,  but it wouldn’t be the kind of sad with regrets. They won’t regret losing me if they know I died happily.

I’m doing this for myself as well because I consider myself as one of the people I love. No matter how shitty I often think of myself, I still love ME. I choose to love myself, still.

And maybe I wouldn’t feel this way tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll feel shitty again and suicidal. But I don’t to be bothered by that possibility. What matters is tonight. Tonight, I feel good and I want to record it for future use. 🙂 Tonight, I love myself, enough to make a decision, choosing to do something that makes me happy until the day I die.

LIVING HAPPILY,

LILI MARCUS 🙂

 

Advertisements

Inner Demon

DEMON’s LIES:

‘You can’t do it.’ ‘You’re not good enough.’ ‘You don’t have what it takes. ‘You’re not gonna make it.’

Familiar with those lines? Yes?  Most often, we hear these lines from other people but sometimes, WE say them to ourselves. It’s our ‘Inner Demon’ that makes us say those words.

I’m turning 25 this coming June, and somehow, I can feel the pressure again. I am not getting any younger!!! Yet it seems that I’m still too far to where I want to be.

I want to be a famous writer. And obviously, I’m still not.

Peers, family members, friends and fake friends are now wondering if I really can do it.  The thing is, they’ve been wondering the same thing ever since I dropped the bomb to everyone saying I AM FOCUSING ON WRITING NOW. That was two years ago, and I’m still me, MERE ME.

It’s easy to give in to pressure and get depressed about it but I learned one very important lesson some while ago – the key to one’s success isn’t about proving, or showing, to people that you can, but it’s all about overcoming yourself. Because, at the end of the day, what other people say to me wouldn’t matter, it’s what I tell myself that has great importance.

My Inner Demon is my greatest enemy. For how can I win over others when I can’t even win against my own? How can I prove to others what I can do if I don’t prove myself first of what I’m capable of. How can I show them what I can if I don’t even know what I can, right?

The problem is, my inner demon wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s always there. It’s in my heart, igniting the grief caused by my past failures. It’s in my mind, a pesky, little voice that never stop talking negative, causing me to wallow on self-pity and my self-confidence declining.

Demons are always present. Not just the inner ones. And I’m saying this, not just as a devout Christian, but as a dreamer who is still in this huge endeavor that’s been going on since forever and as a human being who clearly isn’t perfect yet a total perfectionist.

Inside me is this demon I unintentionally allow to dwell. I don’t think I can ever lose this inner demon. No matter what I achieve, and however I did things, this inner demon will always tell me I CAN’T DO IT.

How did I know this?

Because, I know I am not a total failure. I wanted to be a famous writer. I may not be famous (YET) but I am a writer. ALREADY A WRITER. I’m getting nearer to where I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve written several novellas and I have a novel that’s already in deliberation for publication. And i am currently working on a Screenplay (I’ll talk about this in another post). My point I already accomplished something which is actually quite a ‘big thing’ for all aspiring writers, yet does my inner demon stopped talking?

No. There is still this voice inside my head telling me the same negative things I’ve been hearing since forever. No kidding. It didn’t go. Sometimes I wanna yell at my reflection in the mirror so it would shut up. Maybe this is just me talking crazy. I AM CRAZY, by the way!!! But I”m sure all of us, dreamers have this voice in our heads telling us all the negative things possible, crushing our spirit.

I can’t say I made this demon inside my head, that I am responsible for its existence, maybe I do, but the point is, it’s already existing and it will take too much for them to disappear.

But I learned this trick. If this demonic voice decided to stay with me, like forever, well fine. If I can’t get rid of it, I’ll just learn to deal with it in the most effective way I know to intimidate an enemy-SMILING!!!
Yep, I’ll smile. because it’s what I’m good at (aside from writing..lol). I’m that kind of person who deserves the MOST CHEERFUL AWARD in school or in office. I rarely get an enemy. I rarely find myself in misunderstandings. But whenever someone try to annoy me, sabotage, or whatever insecure people do to others, I smile. It’s the most effective payback. It annoys them when they see me smiling no matter what they do to crush me.

That’s what I do with my inner demons, whenever I hear the voice telling me I can’t do it, I’m not good enough or I’ll never make it, I just smile. I’m not befriending them. I just say hi to my demons (inner and the others) and do what I should be doing which is writing.

This inner demon might do and say everything it can to pull me down and crush me, well, it’s best is not enough. Because no matter what happens, I might fall and fail sometimes, I’ll still get back up and do what I was born to do. I’ll still write no matter what happens around me, no matter what other people say and no matter what I tell myself.

Did I already mention that there are more familiar terms synonymous to demons?

DOUBT…and inner demon is SELF-DOUBT.

FEAR, Maybe…

Keep going even though you can’t seem to walk anymore. You can crawl. But don’t let Doubt or fear stop you and glue you in the same place you were yesterday. You may hear your inner demon saying all negative stuffs but can’t listen to it. Keep going, you’ll get there soon.

That’s what I’m doing. I know that if I wait for the demons to shut up before I do something, I will never ever reach my destiny. My greatest fear is to wake up one day, realizing that life has already passed me by. Sometimes, the best way to deal with adversaries is to get used to them, then know their weak point. And then, it will be easier to ignore them as days pass.

No one, not even God, promised that life is beautiful and easy. We have to deal with it in it’s cruelty.

Smiling to demons (and annoying them);

LILI MARCUS

How To Fall In Love by Cecelia Ahern: A Review

How to Fall in LoveHow to Fall in Love by Cecelia Ahern
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I’ve been reading Ahern’s works since forever and I love her novels because they’re all heartwarming and easy reads. This one isn’t different from all her works. I enjoyed it as much as I did with the others.

The heroine, CHRISTINE is obviously has some issues. Her obsessions with Self-help books shows that she isn’t happy or contented with her life. And more importantly she needs help. She is looking for something(not gonna tell you what). But when she accidentally witnessed a guy who committed a suicide, she became more aware of her self-her problems and the things that she must do. One of those things is to get out of her marriage.

But her husband just can’t get over their sudden separation and kept on pestering her. Christine’s life took a little turn when she, once again, witnessed another guy,ADAM, trying to kill himself. Not wanting to commit the same mistake she did with the previous suicidal guy, she did everything to convince the guy not to do it.

She succeeded and since that day, Adam and Christine were inseparable. Christine, with the help of her self-help books, teaches Adam to love life again, including getting back his ex. And Adam, he still has his issues. He’s depressed but little by little, his improvement is obvious and I remember being glad the way he boomed in the story.

My only slight problem is that I wish the book is longer and I want a more-definite ending. I want to see Adam really into counselling with a real Psychologist. I want to see both of them being sweet to each other because they’re lovers already. It was a happy ending but I want a longer version of the story.

I read this one as I was having a break from writing and it turned out I picked the right book. I needed an easy, loving, heartwarming story. This one is all of those. Though it talks about suicide, it is still an easy read. Not depressing at all.

Thumbs up for Ahern.:) 🙂 🙂

Check out my Goodreads account https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/58341705-lili-marcus

View all my reviews

Spilled Coffee

What do we do when we spilled our coffee?

I know, it should be spilled milk. But I don’t drink milk so I’m just gonna go with coffee since it has been my companion since I was a little kid. And I am too familiar with coffee stain and it has, somehow, got to do with what I’m going to share.

Spilled coffee and stains. (Haven’t heard of milk stain anyway.)

We all make mistakes, don’t we? We’ve been done wrong by others, haven’t we? But whether it’s our fault or not isn’t the issue I’m going to stress here. Intentional or not, who cares? Instead, let me ask you what you do when you make mistakes?

I often hear that we can identify one’s maturity through his/her decisions. I’m sorry but I disagree. Our maturity shows not on the decisions we make but on how we deal with the consequences of our decisions.

Once, I spilled my coffee in a book I was reading. Worse, it was a John Grisham novel. If you know me, you’d know, I love books more than any non-living thing in this world, and that I love John Grisham because the first novel I’ve ever read (when I was barely eight) was written by him.  So needless to say, that book I was reading is a treasure for me.

And I spilled coffee on it.

I freaked out. I screamed ‘Sh*t’ countless times while my mind tries to process what to do with it. But I just stood there, staring at my book, freaking out and had no idea what to do next. Then my mother came into my room, uttered an ‘oh my god’ and then left. But after a minute or so, she came with two pieces of cloths(maybe they were rags or something). One was wet. The other was dry.

Before I knew it she was already patting the wet page with the dry towel, sapping the excess coffee. Next thing she did was using the wet(slightly wet) cloth, as if to wipe the coffee stain away. She was very careful as she did that part since she knows how I treasure my books. Then she took the book in front of the fan and let it dry. I, then, stopped freaking out.

Good news is the book survived. Bad news is the coffee stain remains until now. I still have the book but I already bought a new copy because I want my books clean. Anyway, what’s with my story?

I was entirely immature. Though it wasn’t my decision that my coffee spilled, the coffee was my choice. If it was milk, I could’ve just dried it off and there would be no stains. Another thing was, I freaked out instead of dealing with it right away. What if I did what my mother did as soon as the coffee spilled. Maybe there would be no stains, or it would be paler. Maybe only few pages would’ve get stained.

Foolish me.

Most of the times, in life, we act like that. We freaked out, sometimes we get overwhelmed with what happened instead of dealing with it right away. We waste time. And time when wasted is forever wasted. And while stalling, wasting time, little do we realise, we’re letting the used-to-be little consequences grew bigger. And thus, they are harder to deal with.

We are all going to make mistakes, wrong decisions, from time to time, we can’t stop people from doing wrong to us and we can never avoid those seemingly unfortunate circumstances that came into our life. But we can always choose to do the right thing once these things happen to us. We can never make things back to what they originally were, but we can lessen the damage.

Mistakes happen so we can learn. When we make mistakes, we don’t have to be hard on ourselves. Let’s think of it as an opportunity for us to be teachers. Only, the students are ourselves. Isn’t that great?

When others do us wrong, forgive. I won’t say forget, because come on, it’s one hard thing to do. And we don’t have to forget the wrong things done, since they are usually the ones that teach valuable lessons. We just have to let go of hatred and all other emotions that go with it. But we don’t forget what happened, it can be our references in time.

One more thing, instead of uttering useless craps (like what I did), why don’t we start using our voices asking for help? We can always find someone who can help us. We are never alone. If you believe otherwise, then you’re mistaken. I’m sorry, but that’s just the truth.

Our mistakes will leave us stains, and sometimes it would be a painful reminder of our foolishness. But if it can remind us how foolish we were, it can motivate us to do better now. To be smarter!!!

DRINKING COFFEE and trying not to spill it,

Lili

Slow Down

Life is a race, I was told. So naturally, I have to run. Not just to win but at least, to stay in the race. And I’m still in the race. The thing is, I wish that the one who told me life is a race, could’ve been more specific. Because if life indeed is a race, then it’s one hell of a race.

And slowing down seems to be a bad idea.

The thing is, running is exhausting. Running always left me out of breath, heart beating so frantically fast, knees and almost every part of my body is aching, and of course sweating. In short, instead of celebrating because I reached the finish line, I am busy keeping my heartbeat back to normal again. I am busy massaging my legs so they wouldn’t bruise. I am busy wiping my sweaty body. I am sore.

Life, when we ‘re done with it, shouldn’t we be dancing with joy?  Or singing at the top of our lungs? Or maybe screaming like crazy? We just won this long race called life, we should be enjoying.

Sure, runners who won running competitions were overjoyed. But with life, we’re not talking of 5K marathon, or even 10K. Not even longer than that. Life is much longer and more complicated than any other races. Running will help us winning this race but running isn’t everything that there is that we should do. And we shouldn’t be just thinking about the finish line.

Here’s what I think. In life, if we want to win with joy, we should think about the starting line as much as we think about the finish line. And I don’t know about you, but when I think of starting line, I think about my home.

Home is the best place on earth, don’t you agree? But it is also one of the places we most often disregard.

Why? Because we focus in getting to finish line.

What we don’t realize is home is where real happiness resides. It’s where everything starts anyway. It’s where we start dreaming. Most often, it is also the reason why we dream in the first place.

I must share that I’m totally in love with Ed Sheeran’s new single Castle Hill. In which he talks about his hometown and his good old days there. He can’t wait to go home and even wants to go back to the times, for him, were special.

So here’s what I thought: we can never go back time but we can always look back. Visit. Let’s pay a visit to our starting lines, once in a while. We don’t have to start all over again, we just have to remind ourselves why and how we started. Just as sometimes, reminiscing is enough to remind us what truly matter in life. But we can’t do that if we’re running and exhausted.

I suggest, we occasionally slow down and check if we are still who we were and have what we had at the starting lines. Once we do that, our finish lines would be more of a celebration rather than time for restoration and cleaning up our messy selves.

We would celebrate winning if we know what we are fighting for. Right?

Like a traveller who’s too excited to get to his destination, he forgets his house keys. So how is he gonna get in when he comes home? We’re like that too, we’re too excited to succeed in life, we often forget the keys to happiness. Love? Family? God?

Like a turtle that carries his home with him wherever he goes, let’s carry our most treasured belongings too-our loved-ones. Because life isn’t all that enjoyable if it’s just for ourselves.

Thank you for reading. Slow down a bit and think about why you’re even in this race called life.

Slowing down a bit,

LILI