Inner Demon

DEMON’s LIES:

‘You can’t do it.’ ‘You’re not good enough.’ ‘You don’t have what it takes. ‘You’re not gonna make it.’

Familiar with those lines? Yes?  Most often, we hear these lines from other people but sometimes, WE say them to ourselves. It’s our ‘Inner Demon’ that makes us say those words.

I’m turning 25 this coming June, and somehow, I can feel the pressure again. I am not getting any younger!!! Yet it seems that I’m still too far to where I want to be.

I want to be a famous writer. And obviously, I’m still not.

Peers, family members, friends and fake friends are now wondering if I really can do it.  The thing is, they’ve been wondering the same thing ever since I dropped the bomb to everyone saying I AM FOCUSING ON WRITING NOW. That was two years ago, and I’m still me, MERE ME.

It’s easy to give in to pressure and get depressed about it but I learned one very important lesson some while ago – the key to one’s success isn’t about proving, or showing, to people that you can, but it’s all about overcoming yourself. Because, at the end of the day, what other people say to me wouldn’t matter, it’s what I tell myself that has great importance.

My Inner Demon is my greatest enemy. For how can I win over others when I can’t even win against my own? How can I prove to others what I can do if I don’t prove myself first of what I’m capable of. How can I show them what I can if I don’t even know what I can, right?

The problem is, my inner demon wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s always there. It’s in my heart, igniting the grief caused by my past failures. It’s in my mind, a pesky, little voice that never stop talking negative, causing me to wallow on self-pity and my self-confidence declining.

Demons are always present. Not just the inner ones. And I’m saying this, not just as a devout Christian, but as a dreamer who is still in this huge endeavor that’s been going on since forever and as a human being who clearly isn’t perfect yet a total perfectionist.

Inside me is this demon I unintentionally allow to dwell. I don’t think I can ever lose this inner demon. No matter what I achieve, and however I did things, this inner demon will always tell me I CAN’T DO IT.

How did I know this?

Because, I know I am not a total failure. I wanted to be a famous writer. I may not be famous (YET) but I am a writer. ALREADY A WRITER. I’m getting nearer to where I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve written several novellas and I have a novel that’s already in deliberation for publication. And i am currently working on a Screenplay (I’ll talk about this in another post). My point I already accomplished something which is actually quite a ‘big thing’ for all aspiring writers, yet does my inner demon stopped talking?

No. There is still this voice inside my head telling me the same negative things I’ve been hearing since forever. No kidding. It didn’t go. Sometimes I wanna yell at my reflection in the mirror so it would shut up. Maybe this is just me talking crazy. I AM CRAZY, by the way!!! But I”m sure all of us, dreamers have this voice in our heads telling us all the negative things possible, crushing our spirit.

I can’t say I made this demon inside my head, that I am responsible for its existence, maybe I do, but the point is, it’s already existing and it will take too much for them to disappear.

But I learned this trick. If this demonic voice decided to stay with me, like forever, well fine. If I can’t get rid of it, I’ll just learn to deal with it in the most effective way I know to intimidate an enemy-SMILING!!!
Yep, I’ll smile. because it’s what I’m good at (aside from writing..lol). I’m that kind of person who deserves the MOST CHEERFUL AWARD in school or in office. I rarely get an enemy. I rarely find myself in misunderstandings. But whenever someone try to annoy me, sabotage, or whatever insecure people do to others, I smile. It’s the most effective payback. It annoys them when they see me smiling no matter what they do to crush me.

That’s what I do with my inner demons, whenever I hear the voice telling me I can’t do it, I’m not good enough or I’ll never make it, I just smile. I’m not befriending them. I just say hi to my demons (inner and the others) and do what I should be doing which is writing.

This inner demon might do and say everything it can to pull me down and crush me, well, it’s best is not enough. Because no matter what happens, I might fall and fail sometimes, I’ll still get back up and do what I was born to do. I’ll still write no matter what happens around me, no matter what other people say and no matter what I tell myself.

Did I already mention that there are more familiar terms synonymous to demons?

DOUBT…and inner demon is SELF-DOUBT.

FEAR, Maybe…

Keep going even though you can’t seem to walk anymore. You can crawl. But don’t let Doubt or fear stop you and glue you in the same place you were yesterday. You may hear your inner demon saying all negative stuffs but can’t listen to it. Keep going, you’ll get there soon.

That’s what I’m doing. I know that if I wait for the demons to shut up before I do something, I will never ever reach my destiny. My greatest fear is to wake up one day, realizing that life has already passed me by. Sometimes, the best way to deal with adversaries is to get used to them, then know their weak point. And then, it will be easier to ignore them as days pass.

No one, not even God, promised that life is beautiful and easy. We have to deal with it in it’s cruelty.

Smiling to demons (and annoying them);

LILI MARCUS

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Spilled Coffee

liliswordyplanet

What do we do when we spilled our coffee?

I know, it should be spilled milk. But I don’t drink milk so I’m just gonna go with coffee since it has been my companion since I was a little kid. And I am too familiar with coffee stain and it has, somehow, got to do with what I’m going to share.

Spilled coffee and stains. (Haven’t heard of milk stain anyway.)

We all make mistakes, don’t we? We’ve been done wrong by others, haven’t we? But whether it’s our fault or not isn’t the issue I’m going to stress here. Intentional or not, who cares? Instead, let me ask you what you do when you make mistakes?

I often hear that we can identify one’s maturity through his/her decisions. I’m sorry but I disagree. Our maturity shows not on the decisions we make but on how we deal with the…

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The Power of a Thread

For dressmakers, a thread seems useful enough, but for others like us, it seems not beneficial at all. Last week I was reading Jane Eyre and the word thread was mentioned many times at the first quarter of the book. It reminded me of a certain idiom that mentioned a thread.

How can one possible hang by a thread? It doesn’t make sense, right? But I realized, hanging by a thread is not what matters, it’s what we do while hanging by a thread that matters. As dreamers, we are always hanging by a thread. And failure seems to be one of our closest acquaintances.

But here’s what I think, as long as we hang onto that thread and do something about it, we won’t fail. I know, what can a mere thread does. And it’s an idiom anyway. That particular idiom actually means a failure or a loss is likely to happen. It’s almost hopeless. Almost.  It means, holding onto something so small, that might as well nothing.

Fine, a thread is small, but IT IS THERE. We can’t deny the fact that we are holding onto something. We haven’t fell yet. We aren’t on the ground yet. And maybe we can’t use the thread for climbing again, but we can hold onto it until we find something useful for climbing.

A thread gives us hope. It’s small but it is there. It sure helps us to believe that even the smallest thing can be useful. Even the tiniest rope ever made on earth can save us from falling directly to the ground. I learned to call my failures as setbacks. Every time I fall, I don’t really fall flat to the ground. I learned how to hang onto that tiny rope. I fall yes, an inch or maybe a yard long, but I don’t let myself fall as far as the ground.

A rope is always available for every dreamer alive. The problem is most people don’t see it, sometimes, they’re simply oblivious about it. And another thing, which I find the saddest among all, there are people who find that thread, but they’re not determined enough to hang onto it. They let go of that thread.

Hang on. Keep holding on. As long as we have that thread in our grip, anything can happen. Even impossible things can happen, you know. The thing is we’re too busy looking at huge things and what they can do, that we often miss what small things can do.

When we’re at our lowest, we run out of possibilities that’s why most of us just give up. But what if there’s a small possibility? Would we grab it? Of course we will. Now let me say one thing about a thread- it can go through an eye of the needle. No rope can ever go through the eye of a needle except for a thread. That tiny, little thing that seems useless to us can go through the smallest hole on earth.

What does it teach me? Hanging by a thread actually means having a little hope and holding onto that hope that I can go through anything. Even if the possibility is small, I’ll get through it. Because most often, the only way to get over an unfortunate situation is through it.

 

Now that I think of it, maybe I can write about small things and what they can do. Maybe next time. For now, let’s all hold onto a thread. It’s hard to find because it’s usually small but it’s there- keep looking. And to those who already found something to hold onto, tighten you’re grip and believe.

 

Hanging by a thread;

Lili