It’s the Paper’s Fault

Sometimes, it’s the pen’s fault, but there are times, it is the paper’s.

When I was younger, my mother and I always fight over her big mouth. Seriously, she’s too loud, always talking and reprimanding. It’s as if she always sees something wrong to whatever I do. Especially at mornings, my alarm clock was her lectures. Oh how I hated her for that.(don’t judge me)

I didn’t realize then, that it’s not always the pen’s fault.

When we’re mad or hurt, we always think it’s somebody else’s fault. It’s them who has a problem, it was never us. At least that’s what we often think.

I was writing one afternoon. It was an open letter to God. I was using this newly-bought pen that is really expensive for a student. And as I write, the pen kept on pissing me. The ink kept on fading. And every time it does, I would wave the pen a little, and it’ll write again. But it kept doing that. And I knew I must do something if I want to finish the letter.

I thought of using another pen but before I did, I tried using it to a scratch paper. Just to be sure. And the pen writes so well, as well as it should. Looking at my handwriting, something snapped  at me. The paper I was using was a little glossy. Since it was a letter to God, I thought using that paper was just appropriate.

The thing is, that kind of paper wasn’t appropriate to the pen I was using. And I was right. When I changed the paper into a stationery, the pen’s performances changed as well. The ink wasn’t fading anymore.

I realized this; it’s not always the pen’s fault, sometimes, it’s the paper’s.

There are too many kinds of papers. There are plenty types of pens too. But not every pen inks well to all kinds of papers. (Glossy papers are usually the hardest to write on.)

I think, we, people, should learn this lesson: sometimes, it’s OUR fault. Granted, some people really hurt us, wronged us. But before we point our fingers to anyone, before we said something to others, let’s THINK first. Try to think of what might be the reason why that somebody did it to us.

Reflect!

When I think of the fights I had with my mother when I was younger, I wince. Maybe it was her fault being talkative because hello? She can always choose to reprimand me in a nicer way. But it was my fault that she talks too much in the first place. If I just do the chores properly, or if I just wake up in the morning before breakfast instead of before lunch, maybe my mother wouldn’t have been as talkative as she was.

It wasn’t her fault, it was mine. But that time, I was so annoyed and too mad because of her reprimands, I couldn’t see my own faults. I was focusing on hers.

We often heard that famous break up line: It’s not you, it’s me.

I wonder what will happen if we use that line most often rather than just using it when breaking up. What if every time we’re in disagreement with somebody, we tell that line to ourselves first?

What if, indeed, it was our fault, and not theirs? I wonder how many relationship are restored. I wonder how many friends will still be friends? How many lovers would still be lovers? How many families would’ve been still intact?

I’m not saying we should blame ourselves, I’m saying that we stop blaming others for everything. By reflecting on what happens, we get to know ourselves more. And by that, we’ll be more motivated to change ourselves for the better, not only for our sake, but for the sake of our relationships.

This is true to my relationship with God too. Most of the times, it seems like God doesn’t hear my prayers because most of my prayers were unanswered. It pains me to think that he hears all my supplications and yet do nothing. The thing is, I do believe that God is almighty so He is capable of everything. There’s no prayer that he can’t grant.

So why he doesn’t answer all my prayers? I used to get mad at him because of that. But now, I use this principle. Maybe I’m doing something that isn’t according to his will. And whenever I reflect on my actions and intentions, especially intentions, I learn that it is indeed my fault. Believe me, I am a changed and better person now because of this?

Why?

Because I learned about myself more. And the best way to reach one’s highest potential is knowing oneself well.

Next time, think twice(or more) before putting the blame on the pen, maybe it’s the paper’s.

 

Reflecting,

Lili Marcus  🙂

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How and Where I Want to Die.

I feel good.

The kind of good that someone feels after reading a book, especially a good book, and I just did. I just finished reading “Words In Deep Blue” by Cath Crowley like thirty minutes ago. I actually have to post a book review on Goodreads and on my new blog site intended only for book reviews and other bookish stuffs, but I spent the last 30 minutes munching peanut butter sandwich rolls(which I made) and THINK.

And I am STILL thinking…

“Words in Deep Blue” made me think, this book did. I won’t talk about what I think ABOUT the book but rather what I think BECAUSE of the book.

There’s this part that sadly, I need to paraphrase to avoid giving spoilers about the book. Here it is:

“He died in a place he loved the most. It was quick, it would have been. And the last thing he did before he died is for someone he loves.”

NOTE: No, the novel hasn’t a tragic ending. And I give all the credit to Ms. Crowley for every part of the book that I used here, and even the mere mention of it. 🙂

Anyway, what have I been musing about after finishing the book?  It’s my Death. Here’s the thing about people like me who have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression, and let’s not forget, Anxiety Disorder: Death is a word constant to us, as constant as LIFE itself.

Personally, death has always been there; at the sideline, sometimes behind me, sometimes ahead of me. the point is, it’s always WITH me. I hate to compare LIFE with DEATH but I couldn’t help thinking or acknowledging the fact that Death like Life is always present.

Death is never absent in my life. (Somebody tell me please, what figure of speech I just used.) Maybe it’s kind of a paradox that have been solved. Life is the absence of Death. And Death is the absence of Life. Yet, they coexist.

Moving on…

Death will happen to me. Intentionally or otherwise, I will die. But tonight I made a very important decision:

I WON’T JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will die in a place I love, doing the things I love, and doing them for the people I love.

But what do I love? Oh I know this since forever. I love Reading and Writing.

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Maybe it’s nobler to say that what I love is making people happy, instead of mere Reading and Writing, but making people happy is something I’ve been doing not by choice, it is something I do, and love doing because it’s in my being. It’s what makes me human. I’d be still be doing it even if I choose to do it, or simply if situation demands.

So Reading and Writing then. It’s okay if I die either of the two. It’s okay if I die while reading the worst book ever written. It’s not the book, it’s reading itself that matters. It’s okay if I’m not writing a masterpiece of Literature while having my last breath, as long as I’m writing.

Ah what a good time to die…

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And where? I think any place where I can read or write is a place I’d love. It would be  a perfect place.

And how, one may wonder, am I doing this for the people I love? Well, when I die, they wouldn’t be THAT sad. As simple as that actually. Most of us know the agony, how hard it is when a loved one dies. Most often we have regrets. A death of a loved one is one of the most severe causes of regrets. I don’t want this to happen upon my death.

Thus, I’ll die happily. It would surely make the people I’ll leave behind sad,  but it wouldn’t be the kind of sad with regrets. They won’t regret losing me if they know I died happily.

I’m doing this for myself as well because I consider myself as one of the people I love. No matter how shitty I often think of myself, I still love ME. I choose to love myself, still.

And maybe I wouldn’t feel this way tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll feel shitty again and suicidal. But I don’t to be bothered by that possibility. What matters is tonight. Tonight, I feel good and I want to record it for future use. 🙂 Tonight, I love myself, enough to make a decision, choosing to do something that makes me happy until the day I die.

LIVING HAPPILY,

LILI MARCUS 🙂

 

Inner Demon

DEMON’s LIES:

‘You can’t do it.’ ‘You’re not good enough.’ ‘You don’t have what it takes. ‘You’re not gonna make it.’

Familiar with those lines? Yes?  Most often, we hear these lines from other people but sometimes, WE say them to ourselves. It’s our ‘Inner Demon’ that makes us say those words.

I’m turning 25 this coming June, and somehow, I can feel the pressure again. I am not getting any younger!!! Yet it seems that I’m still too far to where I want to be.

I want to be a famous writer. And obviously, I’m still not.

Peers, family members, friends and fake friends are now wondering if I really can do it.  The thing is, they’ve been wondering the same thing ever since I dropped the bomb to everyone saying I AM FOCUSING ON WRITING NOW. That was two years ago, and I’m still me, MERE ME.

It’s easy to give in to pressure and get depressed about it but I learned one very important lesson some while ago – the key to one’s success isn’t about proving, or showing, to people that you can, but it’s all about overcoming yourself. Because, at the end of the day, what other people say to me wouldn’t matter, it’s what I tell myself that has great importance.

My Inner Demon is my greatest enemy. For how can I win over others when I can’t even win against my own? How can I prove to others what I can do if I don’t prove myself first of what I’m capable of. How can I show them what I can if I don’t even know what I can, right?

The problem is, my inner demon wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s always there. It’s in my heart, igniting the grief caused by my past failures. It’s in my mind, a pesky, little voice that never stop talking negative, causing me to wallow on self-pity and my self-confidence declining.

Demons are always present. Not just the inner ones. And I’m saying this, not just as a devout Christian, but as a dreamer who is still in this huge endeavor that’s been going on since forever and as a human being who clearly isn’t perfect yet a total perfectionist.

Inside me is this demon I unintentionally allow to dwell. I don’t think I can ever lose this inner demon. No matter what I achieve, and however I did things, this inner demon will always tell me I CAN’T DO IT.

How did I know this?

Because, I know I am not a total failure. I wanted to be a famous writer. I may not be famous (YET) but I am a writer. ALREADY A WRITER. I’m getting nearer to where I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve written several novellas and I have a novel that’s already in deliberation for publication. And i am currently working on a Screenplay (I’ll talk about this in another post). My point I already accomplished something which is actually quite a ‘big thing’ for all aspiring writers, yet does my inner demon stopped talking?

No. There is still this voice inside my head telling me the same negative things I’ve been hearing since forever. No kidding. It didn’t go. Sometimes I wanna yell at my reflection in the mirror so it would shut up. Maybe this is just me talking crazy. I AM CRAZY, by the way!!! But I”m sure all of us, dreamers have this voice in our heads telling us all the negative things possible, crushing our spirit.

I can’t say I made this demon inside my head, that I am responsible for its existence, maybe I do, but the point is, it’s already existing and it will take too much for them to disappear.

But I learned this trick. If this demonic voice decided to stay with me, like forever, well fine. If I can’t get rid of it, I’ll just learn to deal with it in the most effective way I know to intimidate an enemy-SMILING!!!
Yep, I’ll smile. because it’s what I’m good at (aside from writing..lol). I’m that kind of person who deserves the MOST CHEERFUL AWARD in school or in office. I rarely get an enemy. I rarely find myself in misunderstandings. But whenever someone try to annoy me, sabotage, or whatever insecure people do to others, I smile. It’s the most effective payback. It annoys them when they see me smiling no matter what they do to crush me.

That’s what I do with my inner demons, whenever I hear the voice telling me I can’t do it, I’m not good enough or I’ll never make it, I just smile. I’m not befriending them. I just say hi to my demons (inner and the others) and do what I should be doing which is writing.

This inner demon might do and say everything it can to pull me down and crush me, well, it’s best is not enough. Because no matter what happens, I might fall and fail sometimes, I’ll still get back up and do what I was born to do. I’ll still write no matter what happens around me, no matter what other people say and no matter what I tell myself.

Did I already mention that there are more familiar terms synonymous to demons?

DOUBT…and inner demon is SELF-DOUBT.

FEAR, Maybe…

Keep going even though you can’t seem to walk anymore. You can crawl. But don’t let Doubt or fear stop you and glue you in the same place you were yesterday. You may hear your inner demon saying all negative stuffs but can’t listen to it. Keep going, you’ll get there soon.

That’s what I’m doing. I know that if I wait for the demons to shut up before I do something, I will never ever reach my destiny. My greatest fear is to wake up one day, realizing that life has already passed me by. Sometimes, the best way to deal with adversaries is to get used to them, then know their weak point. And then, it will be easier to ignore them as days pass.

No one, not even God, promised that life is beautiful and easy. We have to deal with it in it’s cruelty.

Smiling to demons (and annoying them);

LILI MARCUS

How To Fall In Love by Cecelia Ahern: A Review

How to Fall in LoveHow to Fall in Love by Cecelia Ahern
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I’ve been reading Ahern’s works since forever and I love her novels because they’re all heartwarming and easy reads. This one isn’t different from all her works. I enjoyed it as much as I did with the others.

The heroine, CHRISTINE is obviously has some issues. Her obsessions with Self-help books shows that she isn’t happy or contented with her life. And more importantly she needs help. She is looking for something(not gonna tell you what). But when she accidentally witnessed a guy who committed a suicide, she became more aware of her self-her problems and the things that she must do. One of those things is to get out of her marriage.

But her husband just can’t get over their sudden separation and kept on pestering her. Christine’s life took a little turn when she, once again, witnessed another guy,ADAM, trying to kill himself. Not wanting to commit the same mistake she did with the previous suicidal guy, she did everything to convince the guy not to do it.

She succeeded and since that day, Adam and Christine were inseparable. Christine, with the help of her self-help books, teaches Adam to love life again, including getting back his ex. And Adam, he still has his issues. He’s depressed but little by little, his improvement is obvious and I remember being glad the way he boomed in the story.

My only slight problem is that I wish the book is longer and I want a more-definite ending. I want to see Adam really into counselling with a real Psychologist. I want to see both of them being sweet to each other because they’re lovers already. It was a happy ending but I want a longer version of the story.

I read this one as I was having a break from writing and it turned out I picked the right book. I needed an easy, loving, heartwarming story. This one is all of those. Though it talks about suicide, it is still an easy read. Not depressing at all.

Thumbs up for Ahern.:) 🙂 🙂

Check out my Goodreads account https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/58341705-lili-marcus

View all my reviews

Spilled Coffee

liliswordyplanet

What do we do when we spilled our coffee?

I know, it should be spilled milk. But I don’t drink milk so I’m just gonna go with coffee since it has been my companion since I was a little kid. And I am too familiar with coffee stain and it has, somehow, got to do with what I’m going to share.

Spilled coffee and stains. (Haven’t heard of milk stain anyway.)

We all make mistakes, don’t we? We’ve been done wrong by others, haven’t we? But whether it’s our fault or not isn’t the issue I’m going to stress here. Intentional or not, who cares? Instead, let me ask you what you do when you make mistakes?

I often hear that we can identify one’s maturity through his/her decisions. I’m sorry but I disagree. Our maturity shows not on the decisions we make but on how we deal with the…

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Pause

Writing is one of the most tiring profession in the world. Others think once we have the ‘idea’ of what to write, putting it into words would be just as easy as putting a dough in an oven. The truth is, like baking, writing involves several steps before a story is cooked. And worse, not all stories baked are good enough for the taste buds of the readers. So in other words, writing is not at all easy. It’s tiring, even to those who’ve been writing since childhood.

Almost a couple of years ago, I’ve just begun focusing on writing, a friend of mine asked me what I do when I get tired of it. I said, I write. No kidding, when I get tired of writing, I still write. Because writing, much as it is my job, is also my hobby. It’s what makes me happy.

But if someone asks me now the same question, I’d have a different answer. Writing is still my job and hobby. It is still what makes me happy. But almost two long tiring exhausting years have passed. And okay there have been good times for me as a writer. Like I have submitted ten novellas (in Filipino), only two of which were returned as underdeveloped stories. That was success, mind you.

But most of the times, I forgot those successes and dwell on my failures. There are countless WIPs (Work in Progress) in my laptops’ hard drive. I have plenty of unfinished manuscripts I just can’t finish because of few reasons. But to sum it all, I get tired. I get tired of writing, of plotting, of revising or of the story itself.

What do I do now when I get tired? I pause.

In the past couple of years, I’ve been told(advised) plenty of things. Get a proper job that actually pays, get a degree, go socialize more, get yourself a boyfriend, get laid. I think if I would put all their advises into one sentence, it would be this: Stop writing.

They’re concern about me but they don’t don’t know everything. They think they know because of what they see in me, but they don’t know the half. Writing is my life. And if people think that I would stop just because I get tired of it, and nothing seems happening, they’re mistaken.

In life, we don’t stop just because we’re tired. See, why employees, even students have coffee breaks, lunch breaks, snack breaks, month leave and every other rest I don’t know about. They’re not stopping, they’re just having breaks. They can always resume what they’re doing after taking some rest.

We also don’t stop just because nothing is happening. Patience is a virtue, an old saying yet still true even to these days. Those who wait will be rewarded. There is a time for everything. Farmers wait three or more months before their harvest.

Life, as I said  in my post Slow Down, is not just a race, it’s one hell of a race.It is indeed exhausting. So slowing down a bit once in a while is a great idea. But there are just moments that we can’t run anymore. We can’t even walk, we’re numbed. We feel emptied physically and emotionally.

It feels like we’re out of batteries. When moments like these come, a discharge in whatever we’re doing seems like a good idea, but what we don’t realize, what we need is just a recharge. Withdrawal from our dreams isn’t the solution. Renewal is.

Whenever I get tired, I pause. It’s better than stopping. Stopping is no coming back, pause gives me a chance to be renewed and feels great and capable again for whatever I’m doing.

I encourage everyone not to quit, just pause. Sleep, eat, pray, meditate-it’s your choice. Do whatever it is that makes you filled with new energy, enthusiasm and knowledge that you can use when you feel going back to running again.

Whenever we start a certain race, we’re establishing our finish lines at the same time, though we don’t see them yet. Our finish lines are waiting for us so why stop? We’ve come this far anyway.

You’re almost done reading this..

Taking a pause,

Lili

Now ready to resume the race……………

 

 

 

 

Peculiar Storytellers

We all are. So maybe you won’t believe me. We may not be aware but storytellers dwell within us. We all have stories to tell anyway.

I started writing since I was nine. I used to write poems. They weren’t just poems, they were narrative poems. So even then, though I was too young, I knew I was already telling stories. The problem is no one ever get to read those poems.

My stories were never heard or read. And that makes me sad, even now. It was my fault though. I couldn’t just bring my works to be read by other people. I didn’t have a bit of confident about it. I used to looked upon writers, famous writers, and tell myself, wish I’m as good as they are on telling stories.

And man, do I regret it. I should’ve let other people read my stories so long ago.

I was a child, of course I wasn’t as good as those writers. Now, I’m not a child anymore, and still not as good as they are. But do I just keep my stories hidden? No way. I will tell my stories whenever I want, in any way I want. Because this is my story. Mine.

I’m a writer by heart so maybe that’s why I’m romanticising the idea of everyone as storytellers. And it’s easier for me to say this because my dream is this-to tell stories until the day I die.

How about those other people who have never written a single story in their lives?

I have a confession to make. This post was originally for Taylor Swift. The title would’ve been-TAYLOR SWIFT: A Peculiar Storyteller. But for some reason, I changed my mind. But I’m going to make her an example anyway.

I’m her fan. But I’m one of her most peculiar fan. I don’t like her just because she sings great. I love her because she tells her story. (Plus, she won a National Poem contest when she was fourteen.) Anyway, she’s an award winning singer now. But maybe not everyone will say she’s the best. Guess what, she knows it. But that doesn’t stop her from singing her stories. She’d been bashed too many times for her stories(love stories) but she still does it and nailing it, I might add.

What I’m just trying to say is that you don’t have to be a writer to tell your story. You don’t have to be the best to tell the world who you are. If you can, then sing your stories. If you can paint or draw, then draw them. If you don’t know where you’re good at, just speak. Open your mouth, make a gesture, anything you can do just to let the hidden stories inside your chest get out.

Don’t keep them hidden.

Your story could be the simplest, most boring story you know. But other people might not see it that way. For some people, your story might be the best story they’ll ever know. For some people, your story could be the encouragement they’ve been waiting for. Or the lesson they need to learn.

Your story might be the next bestseller. Or the next blockbuster. You’ll never know. Okay, maybe you don’t want your story to be heard by many. Then tell it to a friend, to a family, to a stranger. But do tell.

Or you can tell it to God. He’s the best listener anyway. He’ll be interested in whatever story you will tell.

I have this habit I’ve been doing for three years now. In my closet there is a small round mirror that I personally put there. Every morning, I would look at my reflection while I talk to God. It’s not really praying. Every morning I would tell God what I want to do and accomplish the whole day. It’s like telling God what story I would want other people to hear from me today.

It’s like telling an editor what story I’m going to write next.

And each evening I would look at that mirror again. This time, I’d tell God what happened the whole day. And usually, they’re different from I told him earlier in the morning. It’s like telling your editor, the flow of the story you’ve written changed course. And nothing is wrong with that.

Maybe the stories you’re keeping inside your head and chest aren’t exactly the ones you’ve ever wanted. Maybe you are embarrassed of those stories. Maybe they are bad stories. Or maybe, they’re simply aren’t great stories.

But I dare you to tell them any way. I dare you to step out of the dark and make yourself known to the world. Stop hiding. Stop thinking that no one will listen or read you story. Stop thinking that no one will ever be interested in you.

I get it. You think you’re not as good as everybody else so your story don’t matter. But you, being different than they are, is what actually matters. We are all different. So in any you want, do share yourself. And that’d make you peculiar. And that’s why, someone, if not the whole world, will listen to your story. Stop listening to the voices in your head that says you don’t have what it takes to be somebody.

You matter. Your story matter.

Do tell your story. Do tell your dreams so someone can help you. Do tell your fears so someone can be there for you. Do tell your embarrassments so you’re not laughing alone (that would be creepy).

I can say that this is not my best blog post. Actually, right now, I feel like I didn’t really make my point clear. I feel like I still have many things to say, because actually there are. I feel like this post was forced and not brilliantly. and I want to apologise for that. I’m not a great writer. I’m not the best at sharing my heart.

But I guess, the good thing is, I shared a piece of me to you. Now it’s your turn to tell me your story. Tell me something, anything. I’m interested.

🙂 🙂 🙂

Just told a story,

Lili